h a l f b a k e r yRenovating the wheel
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Do you have any tiresome ex-friends or ex-lovers who love to bombard you with emails, phone-calls, text messages, etc, describing how amazing their life is now, all the cool places they're going, their fabulous holiday in the posh bit of Katmandu (not where all the tourists go), their close personal
friendship with Gwyneth and Chris, their great job in that open-plan office which has Coäts at every desk and beer in the company fridge?
Well, chances are they're already using the services of MFLWY (in which case this idea is baked. Ooops. Change tack.) Simply call this organisation and give them the email addresses and mobile numbers of a few former friends, and they'll do the rest: create a wholly fictitious wonderful life, full of detail (doubtless sponsored by advertising high-end luxury goods) and realism. Because after all, even if you do have a fabulous life already, you surely won't have time to email your old schoolfriends about it.
(The title stolen from Pam. Thanks.) (If you know a better category, let me know. Or mfd it, or something.)
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You can have a division to author those horrid "brag letters" that people send out at Christmas time. [I moved it to "info service" because, well, that's what it is, yes? If you disagree, complain] |
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Only problem I see with this is that the tiresome exes will then be hitting you up for a job. |
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Milk said to say "hi" to all the little 'bakers |
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he forgot to leave my yoghurt this morning |
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bliss/pottedstu: maybe what you want is a version of "It's a Wonderful Life" where the victim is shown how much better the world would have been if they had never existed. |
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Would their premium service provide someone highly successfull, funny, charming, and good looking that passingly resembles you to attend reunion events? Not that I'd need such as service. Just wondering if they're hiring. |
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I know it's meant to be satirical, but I guess I don't see the humor. Why would you want to contact ex-friends at all, for any reason? What does it matter what they think about anything? |
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Service not necessary, you'd be amazed who comes out of the woodwork once you get money, but at least the bulk of your e-mails are no longer dominated by advertisements containing the word penis. |
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We refer to those missives as 'sell the kids' letters. You know the form 'little Johnny's hair is getting blonder, his eyes are getting bluer' or 'we were so proud when Danny graduated from Cambridge with a double first, his position as captain in the rowing team really pales against his academic achievements'. And I believe they tend to be written by the parents without ever contact ing MWLWY Inc. |
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i get the opposite of this. i keep getting sms's from an ex telling me about all the crap places she's been. the most recent one reads 'i'm in walsall at the mo but am hopefully back for a few days at easter. how are you, garlic eye?' |
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You might think i'd have some sympathy that she's in such a hellhole, but no. the evil harlot threw a garlic clove at me when we broke up, knocking out a contact lens the day before i flew out to australia. |
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i'd be willing to pay for MFLWY just to make sure she has the worst time possible. you can have my vote. |
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//have any tiresome ex-friends or ex-lovers...?//
Uh, nope. I guess I'll have to remain neutral on this one. |
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We get some of those 'sell the kids' letters too... "Peter has got *so* many good friends at school - We're so glad he gets on with them when he's so much farther ahead academically than the rest of the class!!!
Meanwhile, Charlotte had the lead in the school play (again!!!) and her cello teacher said, after her performance of some of the Bach Suites that he hasn't got much left to teach her!!!
Little Daniel's now a year old but walking already (!!!) and I'm sure he said his first word yesterday..." |
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You get those letters from my parents too, then [hippo]? |
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bristolz: thanks, that's probably a better category, even though it's obviously a disinformation service. |
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//he forgot to leave my yoghurt this morning//
No, no - not *that* milk, *Milk*, you know, Bobby... ? |
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This is brilliant! Give me the number now! (I could certainly use it). |
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Well actually my second son is only 10 months old and he IS walking already (and yes it's a bloody nightmare! Given that he can now find his way round the whol house but doesn't yet understaand the meaning of "no"...), AND he already says two words "Duck" and "Daddy" (though of course you'd have to be a parent to understand.... |
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[goff] - Are you sure it's "Duck"? |
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My ex started working on her Christmas letters in September. |
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Sorry stu, I gotta bone ya on this one. There's a reason why these people are ex-X's. If you are being bombarded by communications from them still, you need to jot off a few PFO letters. |
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Is waugs really boning stu, or is this a product of the disinformation service? |
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Hey goff, my daughter's 10 months old, too, and she's been saying "Daddy" for at least a couple of months now. And walking, too, though as you note, one kind of needs to be a parent to distinguish her walking from laying on her back and rolling around. |
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"saying 'Daddy'", "laying on her back and rolling around" [bites tongue] |
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Your consideration is noted, and appreciated. |
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[waugs]: PFO meaning "Preparing For Ordination" or "Piss the Fuck Off?" |
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why not just live a really immoral, hedonistic life and just lie in the e-mail? after taking all those drugs you won't really feel any guilt pangs. striving is overrated anyway. |
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[beaux] Well the talking bit is of course whatever you want to hear - but the walking thing is actually the real thing. Link to video of same on it's way...his brother (now three) was also walking at 10 months. Honest.
And it is a nightmare. He now also climbs onto the furniture and stands up, so no turning your back even for a second in our house...
[DrCurry] Your sexual fantasies are your own business. Just make sure you dry clean your wife's school uniform regularly. (btw laughed out loud when I saw your anno)
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[beaux] Well the talking bit is of course whatever you want to hear - but the walking thing is actually the real thing. Link to video of same on it's way...his brother (now three) was also walking at 10 months. Honest.
And it is a nightmare. He now also climbs onto the furniture and stands up, so no turning your back even for a second in our house...
[DrCurry] Your sexual fantasies are your own business. Just make sure you dry clean your wife's school uniform regularly. (btw laughed out loud when I saw your anno) |
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