Midwynter Murders

In the eponymous fictional English county of Midsommer, noted for its picturesque rural landscape, incidents of mass slaughter which would not be out of place in the South Bronx or the favellas of Rio are competently solved by a team of middle aged middle class detectives.

Apart from the often bizarre and gruesome deaths, it presents an idealized version of rural England. Even the malevolent tramps (prime suspect, actually a long-lost brother, or maybe an undercover reporter and never the murderer ) are remarkably personable and articulate. It never seems to rain on the boys in blue; snow, yes, occasionally, but typically dry and warm, or dry and cold. There's a peculiar lack of mud and animal excrement too.

We suggest a crossover series where the well-groomed 'tecs get seconded to the northern city of Midwynter, where it rains all the time from lowering grey skies onto bleak concrete canyons infested with vicious, amoral drug-addled thugs, knife wielding girl gangs, and bitter, resentful pensioners who daren't leave their damp, cold, leaky council flats for fear of muggers, where murders are never solved, and the police force supplement their income by selling drugs to primary school kids.

Prime time gold, we think.

(The listing will need to be very clear that this is a work of fiction, not a documentary or current affairs report).