h a l f b a k e r yWarm and Fussy
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Sit 3 manly men side by side, and watch the middle man struggle to relax.
Does he lightly squeeze his legs together to avoid touching his neighbors, and then hold this position? Does he relax completely, and touch knees in a hopefully platonic and manly way? Or does he shift between the two, disturbing
everyone?
A solution is as simple as a flat fabric or leather band with two hooks on either end. The hooks loop back and hook into a sliding but lockable hoop. One or both of these hoops are generally made around knees but can also be made around supporting structures, such as pipes or arm rests.
For visualization, with two hoops, the band looks like so:
O--O
Lock your knees together, and just relax!
Extra manly men might want a leather Man Strap with brass studs.
This invention was spurred by watching a large man sitting next to me on the plane today. He tied his arms and legs into knots to avoid spilling over and invading my personal space. It made my trip more comfortable, but it was exhausting to watch.
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Obviouly intended for redneck homophobes, although the Man Strap with brass studs sounds like something the Village People wear or the rednecks in the Pulp Fiction junk shop use. |
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Or; velcro (the hook bit) trousers so that when you sit on a (fabric covered) seat your legs stay where you put them? Sheep chasing not recommended whilst wearing. |
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(+) for addressing a problem I had, but wasn't really aware of.
They could hand that out in airplanes as a friendly reminder that the person next to you might like a little bit of leg room him- or herself, however comfortable the recipient may be with rubbing against a stranger's legs for four hours. (The alternative is a short lecture that might be off-putting -- "Sir? Excuse me, Sir? Imagine an invisible boundary between you and me. Now, imagine that boundary patrolled by VICIOUS KILLER ROBOTS WITH LASERS.") |
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It could be worse, you could be playing rugby. |
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Ah, velcro, that would simplify it. I think the only problem with that would be the loud noise manly men would make when they had to get up to go to the bathroom with the stewardess. |
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With rugby, noise wouldn't be a problem. In fact rugby probably would be improved if one team wore hooks, and the other team wore hoops. You wouldn't even have to tackle anymore, you'd just throw yourself at them, stick, and then weigh them down like an anchor. |
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If you just mentally dissociate yourself from your legs, then not only can you relax yourself, but any accidental contact with neighbouring legs is less likely to be fraught with self-consciousness on either side. |
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I envision specially made travel pants
with a tab on the inner seam, just
crotch side of the knees, with a button
or snap on each tab. Sit down, snap
your tabs together and let those thigh
muscles relax. At least it eliminates the
Velcro tearing noise which would
telegraph to your seated neighbors that
either your thighs/legs are too heavy to
be restrained by mere Velcro, or you
were ripping your legs apart in
anticipation of a bathroom break. |
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Alternative scheme: Before the flight, the men get to go on an assaut course, in overalls (provided) with the emphasis on teamwork. The idea is for the stronger, faster blokes to help out the others so as to earn the most points. They then take a colective shower and are provided with clean shorts and t-shirts, something to eat, and a quantity of beer proprotionate to the points earned.
They then board the "men only" section of the aircraft, tired, slightly sozzled, and all good mates. They sprawl everywhere, snoring, farting and totally unselfconscious about bodily contact, 'cos the bloke next to you is a mate and you've just been round an assault course together. There is no need to allocate seats as no one will care. A suitable movie is then shown. |
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In the meantime, all the women on the flight have been to a beauty salon together and will be phoning one another up for the rest of their lives. |
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A moveable sound (and odour) proof partition on the aircraft separates the two groups. |
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