Lice-B-Nice

Everyone knows that lice (nits, cooties...) only infect people with clean hair. And even if that isn't true, it doesn't matter for my idea. Lice are a sign of clean hair. Therefore, people would want to have lice, if it wasn't for the side-effect of ugly little beasties crawling through your mane. Thus, I propose plastic lice, which resemble real lice but don't actually squirm or reproduce, and also for that authentic "wonders of nature/cycle of life" effect plastic lice eggs. People won't be afraid to put them in their own hair, and anyone who sees them won't know the difference. "Hey, you must have nice, clean hair!" "That's not nice, clean hair, that's Lice-B-Nice!"

My dirty-haired friend Ang must take some credit for this, not least for trying to wash her hair while talking to me on the phone, but the plastic's all my idea. This was shortly before we invented my next idea, Long-Distance Bathtub Psychic I-Spy.

Also coming soon, the Long-Distance Bathtub for couples in different cities who want to bathe together, with automatic synchronisation of temperature, water level and soap rings (allowing you to wallow in each other's dirt may be harder).

Ugh! I prefer my last invention, the Long-Distance Bathtub's inverse, a machine to drown out any sign that the person you're talking to on the phone is in the bath, removing all sloshes and echoes (and thoughts of wrinkly prune-like skin in dirty water). I'm just delaying while I decide what should happen if the person in the bath starts to drown or electrocute. Perhaps it should block out their screams and call the coast guard.