h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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Disproof of the theory of intelligent design can be found in the fact that humans develop the ability to walk roughly contemporaneously with the optimum period for potty training.
This means that your toddler will be doing his or her thing, rampaging from the get-go each morning, leaving at least
one carpet-covering superstrate (cups, balls, dollies, books, tissues, half-chewed breadsticks, DVD cases, straws and a great many unidentifiable bits of things) in their wibbly wobbly wake and then toddler will say, casually, almost to herself
"weewee"
sending you scrambling panicked across the house, tripping and skiting on the clutter, unable to find the plastic potty within the four second window from utterance to fill of pants.
So, the Laser Potty: it's a normal potty, except that the rear houses an upwards-pointing laser light, allowing for a quick glance at your pleasingly tidy ceiling and almost immediate location of the potty, giving you time to dive across the room, potty in hand, in the manner of a galloping rugby winger, sliding the potty in place.
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I knew those baseball dive reflexes would come in handy, someday. |
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You could always attach a clap-based key-locater to it. |
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When we, the species, learned to toddle it bid not matter where we went, because there was an army of dung beetles just waiting for the opportunity.
The kid will learn to use the toilet anyway. In the mean time easy clean surfaces are essential around kids. |
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So, what you're saying is that I need to floor my house in plastic sheeting and import a shitload of dung beetles? Cool, I'll get onto it. |
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with frickin' LASERs on their heads! |
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//on their heads!// Might as well put a (different coloured) laser on the baby's head while you are at it. |
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If the //carpet-covering superstrate// manages to cover the potty also, the laser will need to be powerful enough to burn a small hole through the //carpet-covering superstrate//, so you can see the spot on the ceiling, which will (of course) rapidly become a hole in your ceiling... |
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We did the initial phase for my twins out in the back yard. It was
a bit like this. They responded very well to praise. My mother did
much better by rewarding with M&M's, though. |
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As stated, mount lasers on both potty and child, projecting
not dots but circles onto ceiling. When perfect figure '8' is
formed, opimum potty conditions are acheived! |
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(borrowed tech from WWII skip-bombing dambusters. Have
now sufficiently linked mid-century explosive charge
delivery system to early-life homo sapiens bowel fuctions
to justify use of humorous superlative: "BOMBS AWAY!") |
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//When perfect figure '8' is formed, opimum potty
conditions are acheived!// Careful! You might raise a
child unable to toilet without laser targeting. |
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(That's odd. How is it possible this category doesn't
already include laser assist for men who have trouble
aiming a stream of pee?) |
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Is it not going to have to point upwards at all times
even if the potty is upside down? |
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Regarding our own approach, it involved being
outside a lot in the back yard. |
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