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LIMITED WARRANTY FOR THE SALE OF A MOCKINGBIRD
(Including Express Remedies for Non-Singing Birds and Subsequent Item Failures)
This Limited Warranty (“Warranty”) is provided by Doctorremulac3's Pet Megararium, hereinafter referred to as “Seller,” to the original purchaser (“Purchaser”) of one
(1) certified Mimus polyglottos (Mockingbird), hereinafter referred to as the “Product.”
1. WARRANTY COVERAGE
The Seller warrants that the Product shall perform its intended function, namely singing (hereinafter referred to as "Artistic Performance"), for a period of no less than ninety (90) days from the date of purchase. If at any time within this period the Mockingbird fails to sing, the Purchaser shall be entitled to receive, at no additional cost, one (1) diamond ring of commercially reasonable quality, herein referred to as the "Remedial Consideration."
2. FAILURE OF REMEDIAL CONSIDERATION
In the event that the provided diamond ring:
(a) Turns brass (i.e., exhibits unexpected tarnishing, discoloration, or is otherwise determined to be composed of a non-diamond material), then Purchaser shall be entitled to receive one (1) looking glass of comparable quality, suitable for personal or decorative use.
3. FAILURE OF SECONDARY REMEDIAL CONSIDERATION
Should said looking glass:
(a) Break, crack, or otherwise become non-functional due to no fault of the Purchaser, Seller shall provide one (1) billy goat, guaranteed to have sufficient vigor for standard grazing, caprine companionship, or general novelty purposes.
4. FAILURE OF TERTIARY REMEDIAL CONSIDERATION
Should said billy goat:
(a) Refuse to pull a cart, wagon, or other vehicle to a reasonable standard expected of a goat of its age and health, then Purchaser shall receive one (1) cart and bull, intended to function as a manual or livestock-driven conveyance system.
5. FAILURE OF QUATERNARY REMEDIAL CONSIDERATION
Should said cart and bull:
(a) Turn over, malfunction, or otherwise fail in its primary function as a means of transportation, then Seller shall provide one (1) dog named Rover, guaranteed to respond to basic verbal commands (if properly trained).
6. FAILURE OF FINAL REMEDIAL CONSIDERATION
Should said dog named Rover:
(a) Refuse to bark, Seller shall provide Purchaser with one (1) horse and cart, in an effort to fully and finally remedy all prior failures of performance under this Warranty.
7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY
This Warranty is strictly limited to the remedies enumerated above and shall not, under any circumstances, be construed to:
Provide financial compensation for any emotional distress, loss of anticipated enjoyment, or childhood disillusionment caused by a silent Mockingbird.
Cover any incidental or consequential damages, including but not limited to injuries caused by a faulty cart, an obstinate billy goat, or an aggressively unresponsive dog.
Extend beyond the Purchaser's natural lifespan or transferability to heirs, assigns, or trust beneficiaries.
8. CLAIM PROCEDURE
To initiate a claim under this Warranty, Purchaser must:
Provide proof of purchase.
Demonstrate, to the reasonable satisfaction of Seller, the Mockingbird’s failure to perform Artistic Performance.
Undergo a brief yet humiliating investigation process wherein Seller's representative will tap the cage, whistle various known melodies, and play audio of other singing birds to confirm non-performance.
Accept subsequent Remedial Considerations in the specific order outlined in this Warranty, without exception or deviation.
9. GOVERNING LAW
This Warranty shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Seller operates. Any disputes arising from this Warranty shall be resolved exclusively through arbitration, as provided under the Federal Nursery Rhyme Dispute Resolution Act (a fictitious act invented purely for the entertainment of the reader).
By purchasing the Product, the Purchaser agrees to the terms of this Warranty and acknowledges that, while highly generous in scope, it may ultimately lead to unintended agricultural or equestrian responsibilities.
SELLER DISCLAIMS ALL OTHER WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, EXCEPT AS EXPRESSLY SET FORTH HEREIN.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, THIS WARRANTY IS HEREBY DEEMED ABSURDLY ENFORCEABLE.