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Wearing a kilt is cool. In fact, no. It's better than cool. It is tremendous. The only men who don't like to wear kilts are those who were sawn in half as part of elaborate and failed attempts to escape PoW camps in WW2. All other men who claim they don't like to wear kilts are liars or cowards or,
in the case of the English, both.
But the kilt is not without a design flaw, namely that they are notoriously difficult to wrangle when drunk and in need of a wee.
Solution:
A motorised coil of thin, transparent material located in the base of the sporran and attached at the front corners of the kilt. When the wearer wishes to micturate, he moves his sporran to the side as normal and pulls on one or more of the tassels on his sporran activating the motor, which draws the kilt material up and away from the member at hand. A different tassel controls the kilt coil release.
Note: The wearer must be careful that the tassels are not pulled during the Dashing White Sargeant, for fear of exposing his, uh, Dashing White Sargeant.
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//But the kilt is not without a design flaw, namely that they are notoriously difficult to wrangle when drunk and in need of a wee.// |
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I'm not sure I'd ever thought too much about this until now, but I would have assumed that the whole trouser/zip/fly thing is more tricky than just reaching down and under. Clearly I should remember that assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. The things you learn on the halfbakery. |
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This does seem an elegant solution to the problem, although I remain somewhat sceptical of the wisdom of having machinery and tackle in such close proximity. + |
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Responses to responses, in turn: |
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Yeah, the trouser/zip fly movement is a breeze - a couple of familiar, fluid wrist and finger actions and you're free and easy. The kiltwrangle, on the other hand, is not. At the front, the garment is a dirty great sheet of heavy double-ply fabric, requiring at least two points of lift for it to be sufficiently far from the invisible 'sprinkle zone.' Trust me, taking a leak in trews is requires less forward planning, control and dexterity. |
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The danger of leathery skinned harridans yanking your tassel to get a rise out of you is no more real and present than the danger of same slap slathered harpy lifting your national dress in the more traditional "A Fistful of Pleats" technique. |
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With regard to the proximity of the coilwheel to the gonadular region, well, it's (a) inside the sporran and (b) outside the kilt. Your manhood, collective or otherwise, is protected by leather and tartan. |
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Finally, Drinking + Kilts = a match made in heaven. Really, there is little better than spinning the lady you love around and around and around while the pair of you are drunk as lords, lost in the ceilidh music, both wearing what are, if we're honest, skirts. |
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