h a l f b a k e r yA riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a rich, flaky crust
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The unemployed or the employed with job titles that sound boring, when asked what they do, can now respond with exotic sounding but fake professions. Those on the dole, not looking for work, can report one of the following vocations in order to avoid job offers. Lastly, these phony posts may ultimately
lead to the creation of new job sectors causing increased economic growth bringing about world peace and eternal, universal happiness, amen.
Advertisement flyer
Ankle warmer
Ceiling coffer
Circuit breaker
Cowcatcher
Crop duster
Cutlass
Drink chaser
Dust buster
Eye opener
Fender bender
Firecracker
Flapjack
Fly swatter
Goat butter
Horse blinder
Jawbreaker
Napkin holder
Mink muffler
Octopus sucker
Pacemaker
Packet sniffer
Pooper scooper
Screwdriver
Sock drawer
Windbreaker
example of the work of a stochastic futurologist
cordless_20phone_2fdoorbell
[pertinax, Oct 30 2023]
[link]
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I realise I may regret asking this, but, //Mink Muffler//? Do you mean a muffler made of mink, or a person who muffles minks? |
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Stealth orator
Absent librarian
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bull Worker, gas Burner, infra-red remote Controller, insect Feeler, life size Poster, minute Hand, network Driver, paint Stripper, palm Pilot, phone Carrier, short haired Pointer, whizz Banger |
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is that one job title? <later, "spoilsport"> |
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Pasturizer
Comedic Consultant
Keeper of the Fruitcake
Type-O personality
Guide to the Shortsighted (gets a parking permit)
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for someone who calls his elf a farmer, you should know that there are still professional "crop dusters"....saw one of the mini choppers doing the job over some soybeans last year.... |
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Runforrestrun: What is this about elf farming ? Is that legal where you live ? I have always wanted an elf since I read the Harry Potter books ... |
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8-7, do a 'bakery search on elf (52 hits), elves (20 hits), elfs (only 4 hits including this one) ....and bring your elf up to speed.... |
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there were more....but bliss keeps deleting her elf.... |
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Self-directed charity collector |
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Writer.
Charitable Organization CEO.
Watch out for bliss's elf. He's a nasty bugger. |
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"Freelance Bum."-Riff, creation of Pete Abrams. |
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Blissmiss: sorry, but I think you're taking the p1ss with that one ..... |
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<Groans from assembled multitude. Volley of rotten fruit and vegetables. Exit stage left> |
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p1ss, now thats one registration plate, I would love. |
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Courtesy of Pen15 license plate co. |
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'Local correspondent for an internationally popular web site' does the trick for me. |
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I cannot believe no one has yet suggested:
halfbaker. |
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(though of course DrBob gets credit for the same thought, expressed more creatively) |
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I just did, in a sidewise fashion. |
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Student (shaddapa, my face) |
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Fridge Poetry Arranger
Lurker
Retired Librarian*
Disabled Volleyball Captain
Associate Conspiracy Theorist
Pineapple Hoarder
Daytime TV Quality Control Analyst
Freelance Private Investigator
Love Girl**
Witch, Good Division, HellRaisers Inc.
White House Intern-In-Exile
Outpatient
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* I am in fact a retired librarian, having worked in the same crappy suburban library throughout high school and college (had to pay my own way). I left the job after eight years, to attend grad school. |
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** Name (and occupation) assigned by my fiance's six-year-old daughter, after she promoted me from the position of "Girlfriend". Nice work if you can get it. |
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Atmospheric Recirculation Specialist |
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I'm amazed that no one has mentioned simply: |
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Each of my friends and I have spent time as a "consultant" at some point in the past few years. Sometimes for months on end. |
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VIPer, strawberry runner, Country digger, saltshaker, space heater, pepper, woodpecker, Big Dipper, scorcher, horsepower, doodad, cuppa, cancer, tearjerker, teabag, mutter, Pisa tower, European soccer, Lord’s Prayer and in another vein: static electrician, e-mailman, couch potato peeler, plastic nurse, high healer |
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I've always wanted to be a sinecurist.. |
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Self-employed butler
Pillar of Society |
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Caretaker
Park attendant
Food taster
Waste disposer |
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Tack "QA Specialist" at the end of pretty much anything and you've got a gem: |
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Sidewalk QA Specialist
Want Ads QA Specialist
Weather Forecast QA Specialist
Pigeon Feeding QA Specialist
etc... |
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mechanical probability analyst/statistician (aka gambler) |
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english major (as the tomato ducks for cover) |
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I had a mis-spent summer during college in my own private Idaho during which I was alternately a Cat Driver, a Stick Man, a Pond Monkey, a Choke Setter and a Faller. I've only ever made out one formal resume, but you can be sure that all of these were listed, just for their conversational value. (As it happens, I did get paid for all of the former experiences, but I would have done them for free just for the story rights.) |
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Corner, Chatter, Halter, Half sister, Meter, Jabber, Tom Sawyer, Jetliner, Titter, Dicker, Freezer, Render, Primer |
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Mattress tester
claw sharpener
meeting attendant
line follower
pickle beater (where do you think they get those bumps?)
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Cherry Picker
Loud Speaker
Spoiler |
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Brazil nut
One for the road |
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Source (as in, "sources say")
Introspector
Carbon Dioxide Production Specialist (works closely with
waug's Atmospheric Recirculation team) |
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Master-Baker
Reciprocal Supervisor
Personal Sommelier
Ham Spangling Clam Dangler
List Writer
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Halbakery list entropy inspector |
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philosopher
keynesian economist
registered voter
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Caloric Conversion Specialist...hmm...tastes great! |
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Furniture Ballast Coordinator...yep, this couch ain't going nowhere! |
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Air Asthetics Analyst...hmm...smells great! |
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Stage 1 Methane Engineer...okay, doesn't smell so great ;) |
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Great set of titles you got there. heh heh snort slap. |
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I can't believe nobody has suggested: |
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I like sock drawer. I can draw socks, if pressed. |
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toll house cookie collector |
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Oxygen to Carbon Dioxide converter |
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I like to explain gaps in my employment history by explaining that I took time off to establish myself as a porn star. |
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Accountant for Charitable Causes. |
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Advertisement sign test marketer. |
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Machiavellian Robin Hood. |
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Drive-thru ATM braille installer. |
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Show a little marxist class, and admit to being Commander in Chief of your local industrial reserve army. |
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I'm here today on one of FarmerJohn's most loved ideas for a reason. And I couldn't be more pleased to be the trustee of the Halfbakery's Priceless Collection, soon to be released. |
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There are many more details to come, but John has a beautiful, kind, and oh-so-generous sister, whom he left behind, and who goes by the lovely name, Cathy. Cathy has talked with Cathy, and Cathy has agreed to Cathy's terms, sooo... |
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Cathy/Cathy will be donating some of John's original art and writings to the Bakery, to be decided at a later time. BTW, If the Smithsonian calls you, don't fall for it. Cathy specifically turned down their offer of 20 million to grant these priceless treasures, instead, to the Museum he most loved, home to his favorite psychopaths and animal abusers, us, also known as; |
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There is an existing Facebook page for the bakery, so if you aren't already a member...what the hell is the matter with you? Xtine has been to everyone's house with a personal invitation, right??? Anyway, you are smart, find your way there since I've forgotten the link. |
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I am deeply grateful to the other Kathy for trusting us with John's work, his words, and his priceless art. Makes me tear up so, Kathy, we will send you a thank you gift made out of some sort of cool thingy magic soon. |
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Thank you for letting us know. |
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//if you aren't already a member...what the hell is the matter with you? // |
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Not for love or money will I surrender my privacy to the cesspit known as Facebook. Sorry. |
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I understand your viewpoint, but I like to walk through dangerous neighborhoods sometimes ... found the group and applied for an invitation. |
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And for Voice, that's an optional activity that one could pursue for those who might want to, or may have, or maybe will in the future, enjoy messing around with an unfinished idea, and/or illustration oh his, that Cathy is sending me. |
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Arrived today, as I was writing. Treasure Chest of a long-ago bakery at its best. Just started going through. |
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// Not for love or money will I surrender my privacy... // |
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You could always log in under a pseudonym and whisper to us, "Hey, guys, it's me. Shh don't tell anyone." |
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I too might need to find this Facebook group… |
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Maybe I'll get around to buying a burner phone for that purpose. |
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Stochastic Futurologist. (As per link). |
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Voice, the first time I've laughed out loud in a week.
I'm sorry I haven't made too much movement in getting these organized so I can release maybe one or two a week, on the other site, just so we can remember the brilliance that he was. Or maybe it might give some people ideas again that seem good enough to post here. If I dumped them all at once you would be where I am now, a bit overwhelmed, but in a good way. If I needed some diversion this is a great sort of project to divert to. From you know, the scariest shit since I've even known any of you. Unless it was a past lifetime and that doesn't count. |
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