h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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Jabberwakey
prevent sleeping at the wheel by means of unnecessarily complicated, but painful, mechanical deployment of cutlery | |
Driving on the motorway late at night, you become drowsy. The white lines become, in a Carroll-esque transmogrification, a safety rope with which to pull yourself out of the sea of sleepiness to the wave-beaten shores of wakefulness. Unfortunately the rope is always just out of reach.
As you chin
drops to your chest, it presses together the electrical contacts that are attached to and which activate a spring loaded arm in the door of your car. On the end of this arm is a shiny old Victorian silver fork - you know, the ones with 2-inch long tines that are are as sharp as an awl - which stabs you in the thigh, thus reminding you that you should be awake.
An alternative is the Slapperwakey, which adminsters a whack upside your sleepy head with a rice-filled rubber glove, or for apparently greater comedic effect (not to mention gut churning malodorousness) a wet fish.
My preference is for a flounder.
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Annotation:
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Haven't you ever stumbled round a dancefloor to the mighty Gap Band's seminal "Oops Upside your Head"? |
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"Yo, mofo, don' make me go upside your pussy-ass head" is pimp street slang for "You, young, man, are in dire need of a good clip round the ear." |
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I was sort of hoping this would be a car that flies around and injures Frenchmen. |
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Let us replace the rice-filled glove with a wet fish and we have a comedic classic! U'd get a bun from me |
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I'm bunning this as long as it was a deliberate pun on "Jabberwockey", and not a delightful coincidence. |
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V deliberate, but how good would it have been if it had been a coincidence? A straw poll of opinion round here suggests something on the spectrum of "f*ckin' terrible" to "how droll". |
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`Twas brillig, and the slithy forks |
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Did stab and gimble in the thighs; |
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All mimsy were the borogoves, |
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And the mome raths outgrabe.' |
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with apologies to Lewis Carrol |
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'Beware the Jabberwake, my son!
The fork that stabs, the fish that slaps!
Beware those two-inch tines, and shun
All hopes of a nap!' |
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Probably not. Vorpal instruments have a tendency towards decapitation, which has been known to reduce driver aptitude. |
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Yes, having no arms could limit one somewhat. |
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If there were many of you, and you drove rapidly, could you have an arms race? |
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