Ingrown Grass

If the preliminary results are confirmed, this new, no-cutting-edge technology, lawn care system will show great promise. Its environmentally-green, untested-on-animals, hardware consists of 12 volt insulated copper wire (recycled from starter motor windings), a sticky iron oxide solution (recycled from floppy disks) and the Mow-No-More wet wiper (from a cylinder lawn mower, a foot bath and 200 toothbrushes).

The wire is laid out on the lawn in a parallel pattern with a 2-inch gap. The wet wiper is filled with the rusty glue and pushed across the yard, “ironing” each blade of grass. This pleasant chore should be repeated every two months to coat new growth. The final step is to insert the rechargeable batteries, flip the switch and see how your orange-green grass bends magically into the magnetic field to create curled rows. A flattering radial pattern can be achieved with the wire laid in a tight spiral.

Caution: The switch should be placed out of reach of children and party guests. A report has come in where repeated switching caused lawn waving that prompted passerby panic.