If/2

If you can keep your head when all about you,
Are posting treadmill-dynamo ideas,
If you can trust your elf when all men doubt you,
If you can get your brain out of first gear.
If you can spell and punctuate precisely,
And find your keyboard's 'Shift' key (sorry, [po]).
If you can grammar right, and write concisely*,
(*Allowance must be made for [Vernon], though.)

If you have read the 'Help' file and absorbed it;
If you eschew all recipes and lists;
If you can deal with trebuchets and orbits,
And all the forms of custard that exist;
If you can estimate the thermal masses,
Of cows, bananas, asteroids and peas;
If you can tell that swimming in molasses
Will be about as fast as in the sea.

If you can brew and drink TWO cups of coffee;
If you can build an orrery from cheese;
Or estimate the tensile strength of toffee,
And how to fill a banjo-leg with bees;
If you can choose a category fitting,
Nor post in "Other: general" too much;
If you can show that you have wits worth pitting,
Nor fall within the autoboner's clutch.

If you take time - before you post! - to Google,
To see if something's well-known-to-exist,
And tell your centripetal from your -fugal,
And think of posting "Snowglobes" - but resist.
If you can not resort to GM Magic,
Nor treat the laws of Newton with contempt,
And know that laws of physics aren't elastic,
And that no-one (even [Vernon]) is exempt.

If you can bun, but not make buns your master,
If you can bone but, being boned, not flinch,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
(or just disaster, really, at a pinch),
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With one or more completely awful puns,
Yours is the 'Bakery and all that's in it.
Come in, pull up a chair and have a bun.