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Speech, tool use, retractable pencils and self-awareness
have
all been proposed, at one time or another, as factors that
distinguish us from other animals. Yet, as we learn more
about the natural world, animals have been found to use
complex vocal communications (dolphins), to use and even
make tools (crows), to use retractable pencils (pygmy
anteaters) and to be self-aware (elephants).
No. What truly distinguishes us from other animals is our
ability to invent excuses. Three hours late for a dinner
date?
The Piccadilly line was closed due to an escaped lemur.
Missed a job interview? My house was struck by lightning
and
my alarm clock got fried. Failed to settle the Final Demand
bill from the gas company? I was on my way to the post-box
when I was mistaken for Kevin Keegan and had to hide from
autograph hunters. We are the most creative species in this
specialized area of invention.
Howevertheless, many of these otherwise excellent excuses
fall apart upon closer scrutiny. Why was there nothing on
the
news about the lemur, the lightning, or the claimed
sightings
of Kevin Keegan in Chelmsley Bottom high-street?
Fortunately, these issues can now be resolved if you
subscribe
to If You Don't Believe Me, Inc. Simply send us a brief text
message describing your predicament and excuse (for
example
"late 4 date - escaped lemur picadilly line - three hr delay
from 6pm"). Within a few moments, you will be texted back
with a 6-digit code (for example "123456", not that you
needed
an example of what a six-digit code looks like).
Now, if your date doubts your excuse, you can just borrow
her
smartphone and navigate to "Dailynews4ulocal.com/123456"
and there, in all its glory, you will see news of all the day's
events including, prominently, a report on the escaped
lemur
which held up trains on the Piccadilly line earlier that
evening.
Photographs can be included, for an additional fee, which is
of
course billed to your own phone.
If you take out Premium Membership, IYDBM will also subtly
feed the news to the Daily Mail, who will reliably embellish
it to involve immigrants and then print it on
actual paper in tomorrow's edition.
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Annotation:
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// distinguishes us from other animals is our ability to invent excuses // |
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To quote Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. (Except the weasel.) |
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[+] But a bit baked by Fox News - Trump's own
private television news network. |
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Ugh, not MORE fake news. What if my excuse conflicts with
your excuse? It'll just end in a big pile of self-
contradictoryness.
Which is pretty much "the internet", these days... |
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//What if my excuse conflicts with your excuse?// The two
sets of excuses will never meet each other. You'll have your
page of {news+excuse-support}, and I'll have mine. Two
different web pages. Not the same web page. One web page,
and then another one. |
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// subtly ... the Daily Mail // |
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Yer 'avin a larf, ain't yer ? |
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That's what I went to college for. To become a Professional
Excuse-Maker. And I was good. Very good, until I got old and
then no one asked me to do anything anymore. Hahaha |
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Unfortunately, the "[+]" key on my keyboard has just been struck by lightning... |
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Should be possible to do it in a simpler way. Submit only your predicament, and the system's algorithm and highly-paid* offshore teleworkers will match it to a genuine item of real news. |
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So you text "late 4 date 12 Jun 19 22:15 - Wagfield - Piccadilly line - Thorpington - Dr. Beano's Indian Pizza Emporium" and the system will comb through the news feed to find a plausible story and will text you back with a complex narrative, with embedded links to Reuters and gov.uk and TOC refund pages along with other supposedly respected sources of information confirming the story. |
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...waiting to see what footnote the asterisk in the annotation above will eventually link to... |
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//What if my excuse conflicts with your excuse?// Two late parties to the same affair? if not the host, someone is going to be embarrassed . |
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// waiting to see what footnote // |
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You may have to wait some time, as the cable carrying [poc]'s internet service has been severed by an incorrectly deorbited Nepalese surveillance satellite. |
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//severed by an incorrectly deorbited Nepalese surveillance satellite// - oh yes, I think I read about that |
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fake news [-]
funny idea[+]
original idea [+]
well written idea [+]
the fact that I can't award multiple buns [-] |
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So that's a [+] by majority, then? |
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Don't thank me, thank my internal constituents. |
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[Max] It depends how many constituencies the electorate is divided up into and how the electorate is distributed. For example, if [Voice] is composed of two constituencies and the votes for constituency 1 are [-], [-], [+] and for constituency 2, [+], [+], then, on a first-past-the-post system, it's a dead heat, and you get a neutral vote.
In theory, [Voice] could be divided into three constituencies with votes distributed: 1 [-], 2 [-], 3 [+], [+], [+], in which case you would get a negative vote - but the Electoral Commission would have something to say about gerrymandering, and the unequal sizes of the constituencies. |
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// [Voice] could be divided into three constituencies // |
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Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres ? We have always thought there was something a bit odd there ... turns out [Voice] is french. |
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I'm pretty certain that the people who buy the actual hard-copy Daily Mail are only doing it because they need something to line the bottom of their bird cage with.
I would give this idea a bun but a herd of migrating wildebeests stole my left mouse button just as I was typing this. Bloody migrants! |
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That's clearly fake news - the plural of wildebeest is
wildebeest. |
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It might have been an African swallow ... |
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I've never seen an African swallow. Dutch girls will, though. |
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Huh? I thought at first it was some sort of blowjob joke, but
that didn't end up making sense. |
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