h a l f b a k e r y"This may be bollocks, but it's lovely bollocks."
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Most of us have heard that riddle where a man is murdered with an icicle, and only a pool of water is left as evidence. That always sounded stupid to me. I never thought ice would be that sharp or hold up to a direct thrust to the chest. What if it hits a rib? Then thats you fucked, standing there with
a dull hunk of ice and an nervous look.
Instead, take two average sized bowls, fill them with water and freeze them. Take the the ice chunks out of the bowls and insert them into a large elastic tube sock, flat sides touching to make a roughly spherical shape. Let the police figure out how you killed a man with a damp sock.
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Annotation:
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The icicle must be fired from a crossbow to be effective. |
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Wouldn't a crossbow be a bit of a clue next to a corpse with a gaping chest wound and a puddle of bloody water? |
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You may be right.
I must consult the oracle. |
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How about sticking the corpse-to-be in the freezer? Then when they're frozen solid, you could simply knock the head off, thaw the body out, and give Miss Marple a real run for her money. |
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(Most of the ingenous plot devices used in mystery stories wouldn't cause the police much grief at all: they'd simply do what they always do, and grill all the likely suspects. They say the way to commit a "perfect" murder is to pick someone you don't know entirely at random; but then the murder's not much use to you at all, is it, so how can it be perfect?) |
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I'm sure the dudes in CSI will solve this without too many worries (apart from their lack of hairnets, too much make-up and crazy-ass CG effects to confuse them). Being hit with ice no doubt leaves certain types of injuries. I also wouldn't discount the effect of a rock hard icicle being driven into someone's chest. If you want to avoid a rib, stab them in the gut, kidneys or throat. |
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bigsleep: I guess the victim will be iced, while the suspects will get the third degree. |
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It could be a D&D weapon, if you take the right assassin bonus feat. |
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Just use DRY ICE (frozen CO2). When it melts there is no puddle... |
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Like the lady who hung herself by standing on a block of dry ice and pushing it away. When the police arrived they arrested her husband because she was left hanging in the middle of an empty room with her legs dangling 3 feet above the floor. |
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It wasn't until they interviewed the local butcher that the purchase was discovered. |
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(probably an old wives tale - no pun intended) |
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<nemesis>This is a terrible idea. What do you expect from someone who was born to inbred dogs? Murdering someone with a sphere of ice in a sock? You might as well shoot a small chunk of compressed air at them.</nemesis> |
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1. Why does it have to be a sphere?
Why not just a big chunk? |
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2. Why does there have to be a sock?
Just whack your victim with the ice. |
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3. WTF, anyway?? This is an invention? |
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Weapons are not inventions. Killing a man is nothing new. |
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//How about sticking the corpse-to-be in the freezer// |
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You could, but freezing someone, knocking the head off, and letting it thaw would leave little markers or whatever you call thems, so that a CSI person could figure out that cause of death was freezing, then someone just knocked off its head and allowed it to thaw to try and cover it up. |
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And where would you get a big enough freezer? Sure, butchers have them, but people would notice if you just bought a body-sized freezer on a whim. |
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I always thought that the perfect murder was when you have a SUV with a front bar thing, a secluded country lane, and just some random person who was walking along. ie - auto-homicide. |
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//Weapons are not inventions. Killing a man is
nothing new.// |
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That's not a fair definition of 'invention'. You can
oppose murder all you want, but at least have
enough detachment to recognize ingenuitive
murder. I mean, this idea is fairly run-of-the-mill, I
admit, but there's some really fresh, exciting ways to
murder out there today. |
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Name two. No, wait - Let me go find [dbmag9] first. Don't do anything just yet. |
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Speaking abstractly, mind you: |
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The old ways are the best ways. When comitting murder,
it's not a good idea to experiment, because under the
worst circumstances failure leaves the victim with the
opportunity to murder you. |
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In the modern world, forensics have advanced to the point
that it is impossible to avoid leaving evidence, so it's back
to basics for all would-be uncaught murderers. Dedicate
your considerable genius to establishing two strong alibis:
a solid reason
for your DNA turning up at the scene/on the victim ("I can't
believe he's dead! Why, I gave him a big hug just earlier
that day! Oh, Thomas, Thomas, no!") and another reason
why you couldn't have been
there at the time ("I was at the opera with six of my closest
friends. And the Mayor. And his wife. Oh, and his gardener.
Hang on, I might
have the ticket stub in my tux jacket."). Don't frig around
with untested methods, just stab the poor bugger in the
back and make sure you're seen elsewhere while you're
doing it. Then wash your hands. |
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Also, and this I say from first-hand experience, it takes a
lot of practice to learn how to effectively wield a flail
without hurting yourself. It's a battlefield weapon, best
used from horseback after you've broken your lance and/or
dropped your sword. |
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If you must murder somebody with
ice, buy a party block at the gas station and bash their
skull in with it. |
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There, I'm done being unpleasant. |
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Just use a big freakin' nuke. Eliminate the victim, the evidence, the culprit, the motive, the method, the investigators, the witnesses, the crime scene... |
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Well, yes, if one has access to a nuclear weapon, it would
be the obvious choice. Better yet if it's Israeli, since Israeli
nukes don't exist... |
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