Hypochondriac Clinic

Hypochondriacs waste the time of professional health workers by constantly claiming to be suffering from all manner of symptoms. As a result, it takes longer for people who are ill to be seen and treated.

I propose a special clinic for hypochondriacs. Persistent offenders would be referred to it, and told to use it as their regular practice. In it, a number of qualified doctors (so that on the offchance that one of them is really ill, this can be diagnosed) will listen sympathetically to their problems, and then prescribe them a placebo.

For those who are convinced of the need for surgery, a full operating theatre could also be used; the patient would be put under general anaesthetic and upon coming round told that the operation was a success. For the sake of authenticity, it may be necessary to make incisions in the patient in order that they may be stitched up.

This would free up many hours of otherwise wasted time, and so more people get treated. As an added bonus, the hypochondriacs get as much attention as they want, which is probably what they need anyway.

Obviously, it would not be made known to the public as a clinic for hypochondriacs, as this would counteract any placebo effect. Instead, the patients would be told it was a specialist clinic for people with multiple, recurring health problems.