Human Invasion!

Our pitiful Earth-bound civilisation has been ruthlessly attacked by aliens for more than a century now, from HG Wells' inexplicably murderous Tri-Pods to Independence Day's traveling swarm of all- consuming, giant armoured locusts, via all manner of violent beings along the way.

But for a select few, most other-worldly creatures just want us to die, right now, and usually in horribly gruesome ways. The others, discounting cutesy-wutesy Spielberg vehicles like ET or the robots from Batteries Not Included, have a painfully unhealthy enthusiasm for proctology, as if the anus is the window to the soul of man.

Conversely, the human race is a peaceful, diplomatic and compassionate species that endeavours to help all alien life-forms, whether they be primitive rock-throwing cave-beasts, semi- intelligent furry balls, or highly-advanced emotionless kill-joys. All can learn from our magnanimous virtue. Yes, we may seduce high-ranking brightly- coloured bipeds along the way, but only for the advancement of human-xenomorph relations, and not in a kinky, fetish kind of way, not at all. (Mmmm... blue...)

However, we, the audience, know humans for what they are: a bunch of twats. It's about time we portrayed that in a science fiction movie, in which we land on an alien planet and proceed to wipe out the prevalent civilisation to the brink of extinction, perhaps because they consume a valuable resource as part of their diet, or that their eyes make excellent trinkets for novelty shops back home.

The film should be from the aliens' perspective, initially exploring their quaint, village-based lives and exploring their doomed tribal nuances. Then, enter Man, stage-crater. At first, the aliens watch us from afar (they have excellent eyes remember) and witness our descent from a rocket ship, bumbling around in clumsy suits, tripping over rocks and generally looking hopeless and inept (despite having invented inter- stellar travel). Observing no threat, they decide to make contact with us.

By this point, Man has realised the air is breathable and have removed their helmets. They speak in an unintelligible alien language (perhaps Norwegian?) and are at first shocked to see their hosts. Probably hungry and cold after their long journey, the humans accept food and shelter. Hilarious cultural faux-pars ensue as we grimace at a bowl of wriggling squid fetuses, they splutter from inhaling a cancerous, flaming paper stick, and the natives can't quite grasp the rules of cricket, the morons. This sharing of experiences blooms into a heart-felt understanding between the two.

Then, for no apparent reason, Man starts caving all of the little aliens' heads in with make-shift spades, plundering their homes and raping their women (actually, this particular alien race is hermaphroditic and they have no distinction between men and women, so the jokes on us, ha!). Some are captured and experimented on in labs - not necessarily via the rectum, or equivalent organic portal, but unnecessarily hideous nonetheless.

We plunge the planet into chaos, as more and more of us arrive, until finally, we all get a cold or something and die. Phew, just in time, etc.

The great Paul Verhoeven has come closest with his cynical alien war pic Starship Troopers, in which Man invades the insectoids' home planet in order to exterminate them, all the while making humans look like fascist bastards. However, the insects were a viable threat, hurling meteors at Earth for no other reason than to whip up a shit- storm. When aliens come to kill us, as they have been doing for so long, what had we ever done to them? Nothing.

So: Unprovoked genocide. That's what I'm aiming for.