h a l f b a k e r yCall Ambulance,
Rebuild Kitchen.
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I got this wacky idea while magazine-picture-flipping at the medical centre where I'm such a regular customer they put aside the latest issues for me.
In successiom I flipped a story about how [American] oppossums play '"possum'" and then an item about the prevalence of the crime of "house invasion"
by groups of idle youths targetng at night, homes of the elderly, randomly selected.
Hence the "drop down dead bed".
The elderly bed-occupant presses a button upon hearing sounds of forced entry, and is dropped on the floor as the bed splits and deposits them there.
The two halves of the bed close together above the intended victim who plays 'possum under the bed, where of course there is a police-linked phone.
I told you the ideas was wacky.
[link]
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Better yet, have a hidden, bullet-proof compartment inside the boxspring, complete with a 9-1-1 direct line to the police, periodicals and a lamp, and optional fixtures hooked into the house plumbing system. |
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The mattress splits, as described, and dumps the user into this hidey-hole to have a leisurely read on the "throne" until the police arrive. |
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[Soterios] Or maybe the fixtures *don't* have to be hooked into the house plumbing... Ewwwwww. I don't think I'd be contemplating burglary after having human waste dumped on me! |
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Most home-invasion robbers are cowards. A pump shotgun, stored magazine-loaded chamber-empty, cannot possibly discharge accidentally until deliberately readied, but can be readied in under two seconds by anyone of even minimal strength. The sound of a pump shotgun chambering a round, especially when coupled with sight of same, is enough to send all but the dumbest crooks fleeing without a shot being fired. In the event that the crook is dumb enough to continue the attack, a load of #4 birdshot will stop a crook but is unlikely to penetrate drywall or plaster walls with enough remaining energy to harm anyone on the other side. |
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1) I've heard it suggested (by Steven William Rimmer) that if an armed intruder breaks into your home, it's reasonable to assume that they do so wearing a target. Unfortunately, recent events in UK have not supported this.
2) An old story tells of an intruder in the house of a Quaker (member of the Society of Friends, a pacifist religious organisation) disturbed by the 12-gauge-wielding owner who said 'Friend, I would do you no harm, but you are standing where I am about to shoot'. |
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There are two weak links in this idea. Firstly, it depends upon the hearing powers of the elderly person in question and secondly it does nothing to protect your household valuables whilst you're cowering under the bed.
I suggest, instead, that abodes of more than one storey be equipped with retractable stairs. When you go to bed at night they close up like a door in the floor (thus preventing a midnight plummet when you can't find the light switch), so hampering unauthorised access by ground floor intruders. Obviously you'll need to keep all your valuables upstairs for this to work effectively. |
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