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Holy Mist!
Holy water application, 21st century style | |
I'm a non-practising Catholic who last attended Mass during my wayward youth.
Here's two rites that can be improved upon:
-Upon entering the church, you usually dip a finger in holy water and cross yourself. This is unsanitary and not particularly appealing, especially if the person who dipped
before you is an 80 year old leper or someone who double-dipped. The church could have someone equipped with a spray-bottle (like a windex bottle) in hand near the entrance. The spray bottle would be filled with holy water (or a cleaner with miraculous mildew removing properties) The nozzle would be set to "jet" rather than "mist" You would simply be sprayed once on your forehead, cross yourself as usual and carry on.
-Near the end of mass, a priest walks down the aisle flicking holy water with something that looks like a mace. It rests in a goblet filled with holy water. If you're sitting near the aisle, you're likely to get big drops of holy water in your eyes (And it BURNS I tell you!) or on your Sunday best. The priest could have an aeresol can (like a can of Pledge or oven cleaner) with holy water and simply "mist" the faithful as he walks down the aisle.
Oh forgive me half-bakery, for I covet a croissant so that I may humbly call the Holy See and suggest this by speaking tongue-in-cheek.
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Stand next to the mists of the Holy waterfall? You could only hope to be blessed by seeing the Holy Rainbow too. |
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While you're sprucing up the church, why not have croissants and custard for communion in convenient individual packs. |
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Oooh! Oooh!, how about video poker too? (stolen from R.A. Heinlien) |
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Ah, the misspent years of Protestant youth, drinking communion grape juice in individual shot glasses. |
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"Holy Smoke" would certainly improve on the church's image amongst the cartoon reading youth of yesteryear. "Kappow", "splaaaaaaaaatt" etc. |
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I think you should go further on the first idea - keep the spray bottle on mist, and spray through a cross-shaped aperture. The spray can be automatically triggered by standing on the hot-spot upon entering the church. |
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I'd quite like a mary statue that bows back, too. |
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Ow, ow, ow - you're not supposed to hit me with the mace, Priest-dude. You're supposed to spray me with it. Ow, ow, ow... |
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Any system that is closed and doesn't see maintenance will get ' dirty ' .
Suggest a holy fountain where flicking is entirely between the person and god . |
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Put chlorine in the water like in swimming pools and drinking water, and replace the mace (the one at my church doesn't look like a mace but what the hey) with a feather or some sort of mop like thing so it looks less agessive. But I like the idea of the aerosol - it could double up as a mace/pepper-spray subsitiute for use against vampires. |
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you could rig holy water in the sprinkler system like in the movie Constantine and find out if there are any daemons in the church at the same time! |
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The thing that makes Holy Water so holy is the fact that it comes out of the drinking fountain next to the bathrooms as opposed to from the toilettes, except when the drinking fountain is being used and somebody flushes the toilette in which case the Holy Water temporarily gets diverted to a more holier than thou cause ;) |
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Hmmm, maybe to solve the germ problem the Catholic Church could start using Holy Hand Sanitizer instead ;) |
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Put holy water injectors in the organ pipes. |
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