h a l f b a k e r yIt might be better to just get another gerbil.
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Now, thanks to advanced GPS technology, and for the financially secure heliophobes, comes the service that can finally bring you out of the house! Now, for a tidy sum, GROGco HelioCopters will provide a specially equipped helicopter hovering high in the sky, instantly reacting to whatever helter-skelter
zig-zag movement you dream up, to provide shade you with wherever you may go.
The service begins first thing in the morning, where the helicopter hovers in place as you walk (or run, or crawl) out of your house or apartment. No matter where you go, you're covered with ample shade -- the zoo, the park, the tennis match, the beach!
Now heliophobes can rest assured that they can remain as pasty white (or <pick a color>) as they were last week.
***Special Note (1) to Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobics: Unfortunately, the GROGco HelioCopters will not prevent you from encountering anyone with the number 666 on their foreheads. In clinical trials: [HelioCopters=0]; [666 Adherents=Ironically, 666]. Data on this stunning collapse of logic will resume after GROGco Engineers are coaxed from beneath their desks.
***Special Note (2) to Heliophobes: Prices will double during any full eclipse of the sun, moon, or killer asteroid. Ironic, isn't it?
***Special Note (3) to Those Customers Specifically Afraid of Helicopters: Apparently, there is not a name for your condition yet. You should probably just suck it up and learn to deal with it until Mental Health Authorities stop bundling you up with Aerophobics.
***EXTRA Special Note (4) to People Afraid of the Sun: YOU'RE A HELIOPHOBE! Don't obsess about it; call us. We'll do lunch. There WILL be shade.
This List Scares the Hell Out of Me... Just More Bitter Irony From Your Friends at GROGco Laboratories
http://phobialist.com/
[Grogster, Mar 09 2013]
This Idea Was Inspired Thusly
welcome_20to_20the_20Egodrone
[Grogster, Mar 09 2013]
[link]
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It seems a terrible waste of a perfectly good
helicopter. May I suggest that it also offer a winch-
operated butler? |
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//whirling blades of death// |
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Well, yes, [lee]; they ARE Whirling Blades of Death... but, they are quite high in the sky to provide a larger shaded area for our client base, who, owing to Special Note (3), are NOT afraid of HelioCopters, in fact, they are indeed afraid of the ABSENCE of HelioCopters! They are afraid of the SUN. (Helios was the personification of the Sun in Greek mythology.) |
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However, to address your concern: In the event of catastrophic failure, you will be pleased to know that the aforementioned Whirling Blades of Death will fall harmlessly to the ground; attached as they are to the big-ass HelioCopter, which will, in yet a FURTHER demonstration of bitter irony, plummet to earth as flaming wreckage with the kind of dramatic fanfare that attracts yet more helicopters. |
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Owing to the great height, the terror stricken Heliophobe will (in all probability) escape intact, the smoldering wreckage well away from him, no doubt secure in the knowledge he will be receiving a full and cheerful refund, for that day. |
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// May I suggest that it also offer a winch- operated butler?// |
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Indeed you may, my pasty complected good man! |
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Helicopter is already Greek, so their fear should be helicopterophobia. Thus there is no excuse for [lee_rimar]'s error, except hellenologophobia; helicophobia, for instance, would simply be fear of spirals. |
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This would make for a great prank on your most
paranoid friend. Be sure the choppers are painted
black and have Egyptian hieroglyphs on the side. |
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