Haunted House Security System

This is a proposition for designing a house with maximum bowel-evacuating potential.

It may be a little difficult to live in such a house, but imagine the effect on a burgler when he enters an unlocked house in the middle of the night with extra creeky doors, floorboards and walls.

Imagine his suprise when drapes flap infront of clearly unopened windows. Will he notice that there is a coffin in the place of a coffee table?

And what is that smell? Carrion? Festering blood?

And what happens when the audio he triggered by opening the door as a trespasser at such a late hour begins the demonic whispering of the cursed dead?

Will he run, or drop dead, when a ghostly fingure emerges from a doorway? And will that ghostly figure: a spectre of nothing but a head of grey, a featureless starch white face, and a light flapping gown pick up the phone and call the police because it's a serious crime to break into an old ladies house when she is asleep, wearing her wrinkle treatment.