h a l f b a k e r yA dish best served not.
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Our digestive system is a constant source of concern.
There are countless annoyances, like flatulance,
cancers, nausea, obesity, diarrhea: it just goes on and
on. It's awkward to say the least and at the same time
its function is simple compared to stainlessly clean
modern food and drug manufacturing
techniques.
I propose removal of the entire gastrointestinal tract,
from aesophagus to rectum. It's all a messy deal
anyway,
so get rid of it.. it can be recycled as haggis (for folks
who haven't had the procedure done yet). Get rid of
the gall bladder and the liver too. The instant weight
savings will be tremendous.
In its place comes a rubber bladder that is placed in the
abdominal cavity. A rubber bladder with a control
system.
The bladder has a fill valve that is fitted near the navel.
Periodically, the bladder has to be filled with something
like ringer fluid. It's a lot of water, with a tiny bit of
glucose, vitamins, minerals and amino acids, as well as
any
medication the user might need. The control system
inside the abdominal cavity slowly drips the fluid into
the
blood stream.
By controlling the nutrient flow through technology:
- bad eating habits will be eliminated.
- no more obesity
- risk of food poisoning is eliminated
- no more belching
- no more farting
- no more constipation.
- no more diarrhea
- no more nausea
- no more appendicitis
- no intestinal cancers
- no need for food shopping
- increased market for spittoons (we won't be able to
swallow our spit)
PS: the kidneys and urinary tract are left alone.
Ossia:
Esophageal_20Off-Ramp
[phundug, Feb 08 2012]
Ndabaningi Sithole
http://en.wikipedia.../Ndabaningi_Sithole
For those unfamiliar with the history of the former colonies. [DrBob, Feb 10 2012]
[link]
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No more foie gras, no more cheese-n-onion crisps,
no more slow-roast pork belly, no more buttered
popcorn, no more calvados, and no more trying to
say "ndabaningi sithole" in a single continuous burp. |
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You will, of course, be unable to make use of a
croissant, but I trust you will reflect wisely on this
fishbone. |
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Eating haggis is not a "procedure" that is "done" to one. |
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Oh, and you might want to hang onto the liver - it
does lots of other things that make life more
enjoyable and, indeed, possible. |
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If he keeps the liver, but gets rid of the intestine,
what is he going to do with the bile? |
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Store the bile in another artificial bladder; when attacked, spray the bile in the attacker's face, then run away at astonishing speed, thus earning the title of 'gutless wonder'. |
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No more Blue Bell (tm) homemade vanilla ice cream, no more cheesecake, no more fudge revel bars, no more fried okra, no more chocolate pie, no more Lindt (tm) 70% cocoa chocolate bars, NO MORE CHOCOLATE AT ALL, PERIOD, no more egg custard pie, no more homemade banana pudding, no more... |
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The more I think about this, the more I want to slam someone against the wall. Bone. |
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Sorry, but without the entire cacophony of metabolic mayhem emanating from the dubious bowels of bad actors spanning the ages, an entire class of gross-out B-rate movies would have died on the cutting room floor; deemed so intolerably and colossally boring without burp, fart, and poop jokes that even the directors of said masterpieces would doze off watching them. |
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On second thought, carry on. [ ] |
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//an entire class of gross-out B-rate movies would have died on the cutting room floor// |
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Ooooh, never thought of that. Good point. Almost, *almost* worth giving up ever eating chocolate again. |
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But I don't watch those movies, so... Pass the five star chocolate bar please. |
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Livers do exactly what the name suggests. Many animals, us
included, are basically those organs with a few other specialised
members to support them. |
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OK, no delivering. We'll keep your precious liver. I
knew this idea might need minor tweaking.. |
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//If he keeps the liver, but gets rid of the
intestine, what is he going to do with the bile?// |
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Let's see if we can connect the bile duct to the
urinary tract (upstream of the urinary bladder)
without causing problems. |
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Methinks not. Interesting to contemplate the exact problems. Calculi would almost certainly be involved. |
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//Calculi would almost certainly be involved.// |
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Why almost certainly? High cholesterol can cause
gallstones, but we would have low cholesterol.
Kidney stones can be caused by high calcium
intake, but we would not have excessive calcium
intake. |
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Digestion is an intrinsic component of the metabolic
process. Without it, we would have to come up with a
number of artificial methods for stimulating the production
and release of vital enzymes. It's not as simple as just
replacing the squishy bits with something that makes
nutrient intake more convenient. |
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I'm not exactly certain how you plan on integrating components that would break down as well as be rejected in with the human body... |
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[jmvw] //Let's see if we can connect the bile duct to
the urinary tract (upstream of the urinary bladder)
without causing problems.// Good idea. You go
first. |
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We might be able to find volunteers for the bile
duct bypass operation. Bile duct bypass will be
like permanent orlistat/Xenical. |
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Obvious requirements:
- the surgery is done in a safe manner.
- surgery can be reversed at first sign of stones
or inflammation
- Apolar vitamins are either taken in large
enough
doses or administered intravenously. |
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Has this never been done before? |
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Calculi are caused by a number of things and can be made of various substances, not just calcium salts or cholesterol. One cause is stasis and another an interruption of laminar flow, say by a kink in a tube. I'm wondering how you'd link the urethra and the bile duct. To be honest, i'm also wondering why to the whole idea, but that shouldn't stop you. |
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