h a l f b a k e r yTastes richer, less filling.
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The only reason most people don’t make patterns on their carpet when they vacuum is because the furniture is in the way. With this optional accessory for your home, unobtrusive grappling hooks will descend from the ceiling, latch onto the furniture, and pull it up to the ceiling so you have complete
access to the living room floor. Whatever is left on the floor will be easily spotted (popcorn old maids, raisins, undergarments, etc.) and can be cleared away in short order. You are then free to make all the vacuum cleaner patterns in the carpet that you have admired on the ball field all these years. (Just make sure Uncle Wilbert is off the couch to avoid some rather nasty forehead abrasions against the ceiling) Flip another switch and the furniture is dropped back into place and the grappling hooks disappear into the ceiling again.
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Lacking a central station burglar alarm, you'll probably laugh to learn that I routinely vacuum a pattern in my carpets before leaving my home for an extended period (often weeks, months, and occasionally longer). The existence of a suspect footprint in the perfect pattern when I return is an immediate indicator of whether I've had any visitors during my absence. I think of this little ritual as one of the more useful obsessive-compulsive disorders. (Old maids, raisins, and stray undergarments get harvested somewhat more regularly.) + |
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[Ian] The idea claims that the old maids will be "cleared away". |
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Actually, [Ian], the cute young French maid --"Francesca"--often accompanies me when I'm away for longer periods. |
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//Francesca// More of an Italian maid, then. |
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Actually, I have always had a problem with the original design of this idea because [Grogster] did not clearly describe how the ceiling-mounted grappling hooks would be made "unobtrusive". Ceiling holes are hard to disguise. |
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I think a better variation on the concept would be to place large furniture pieces on individual hydraulic lifts operated from a central control panel close to the room's exit. When you want to vaccuum, all the furniture pieces go up like like cars at the mechanic's garage; When the vacuuming has been completed and the carpet pattern has been fluffed and groomed to perfection, lean into the room and hit the down switches. The furniture pieces gently settle back to their original positions, and nothing is left visible to the casual observer. |
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[jurist], to make it unobtrusive you would have to have a false ceiling... it also assumes you have a tall enough ceiling to pull it off. One might even include pneumatically operated trap doors so that the furniture disappears altogether. |
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The reason I avoided anything coming up from the bottom (such as a hydraulic lift) was to make the floor as clear as possible so one could vacuum in nice even pattern lines, such as those in a freshly mowed baseball field. |
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As an aside, I toyed for a while with the idea of powerful electromagnets instead of grappling hooks, but that idea was replete with unintended consequences. Everything with any iron content at all would be fair game, like Fluffy's collar, the neighbor's silverware, the plate in Uncle Harry's leg, etc. |
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Nice even pattern lines beneath the sofas and armoires will not be visible to anyone other than the spiders and mice. A hydraulic lift column would not produce a visible break in the pattern when the furniture is returned to floor level. (Note of caveat: this variation probably only works well in ground-floor installations where basement rooms would not be affected. Installations above the ground floor would probably be prohibitively expensive, but obviously I would go to nearly any expense to avoid returning to those ugly suspended ceilings which became acceptable to homeowners in the 1980's after their ubiquitous success in commercial settings.) |
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