h a l f b a k e r yPoint of hors d'oevre
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Aquaria are fairly robust things, but sometimes accidents do happen. Perhaps, just as an example, someone might be examining some sort of projectile weapon, such as a new pistol crossbow, the operation of which they are not entirely familiar with, and as a consequence unintentionally launch a steel-tipped
bolt across the room with quite surprising force, striking an aquarium which happens to be deliberately and maliciously in the wrong place at the wrong time, and causing a large crack to appear.
If the crack is (thankfully) fairly small, it's possible to temporarily contain the leakage within acceptable limits by the use of tapes and sealant compounds until the culprit has the opportunity to go out and buy (or rather, pay for) a new, bigger, better and fancier aquarium (along with a huge amount of pipes, pumps, filters, lights, bubblers, heaters, thermometers and thermostats, pieces of coral, ceramic pirate galleons, special fish food, and a hand-painted model of Captain Nemo's Nautilus, the whole lot costing more than the bloody new aquarium itself, and it not being at all clear why she couldn't just transfer some of the equipment from the old tank) as an alternative to being progressive disembowelled with a pair of nail scissors over a period of weeks, or worse getting the Silent Treatment.
Once the new aquarium is installed and operating it is instructive to consider both the chain of events leading up to the accident (in the hope of getting the crossbow handed back, rather than inserted sideways into an inconvenient bodily orifice) and the various other consequences that might have eventuated, but fortunately didn't, like the whole side of the aquarium shattering.
So BorgCo have developed a flatpacked energency aquarium. Looking a little like an emergency liferaft, and based on very similar principles, the unit consists of a rigid base panel of durable plastic and four similar side panels, the components being linked by tough, flexible tubes that can be inflated very rapidly using an integral CO2 cartridge to form a large, watertight open-topped box.
The remaining contents of the damaged aquarium can be rapidly decanted into the temporary structure, and the thermostatic heater in the base can be connected to a mains supply via the included wall wart.
The unit is slim enough to be kept behind an armchair, or in the cupboard under the aquarium, if maybe some of the dozens of decades-old cardboard cartons of part-used fish food were finally consigned to the bin. Plus that air pump that never worked properly, the heater with the broken thermostat, a load of what look like porcelain nativity figurines in a battered shoebox, and several replacement lamps for a light fitting in a lid that broke and was thrown away several years ago, and don't fit any other lamp fitting in the known universe, having a left-hand screw thread and only running off 33 1/3 volts 666Hz single sideband AC from a power supply that appears to be labelled in Aramaic, or possibly Cretan Linear A. All that could go, too. And good riddance.
So the next time there's an aquarium emergency, however caused, you can be fully prepared.
[link]
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Now, you see, if you had cats the problem would have solved
itself without all that expenditure. |
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How ? We are not convinced. |
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A cat would either have absorbed the crossbow bolt (which,
by all accounts, seems to have been rather feeble) or, at the
very least, removed the need to provide new housing for the
fish. |
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Aquaria have lids, for numerous reasons; to limit evaporation, to help maintain temperature, and to stop things getting into the tank - contamination, diseases, or predators. |
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As to the bow being "rather feeble", that's merely a function of it not being operated in its intended mode (ClicktwangwhrrrrrrCRACK ... "Ooops" as opposed to WhackTHUD ...) |
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Do tell us more about the various weaponry scattered about
the Hive. |
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Well, at the moment it definitely doesn't include a brand new pistol crossbow complete with bolts, targets, target holder, spare bowstrings and a bottle of oil, all in a nice moulded plastic carry case. |
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What you've invented here is a sort of inside-out lifeboat.
For my own aquarium, this is a series of 5-gallon buckets.
The problem with these and this idea is that it is only the
most temporary of solutions. Simply siliconing a piece of
glass to the crack area achieves the same thing without
so much disruption. |
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The reason you can't have a satisfactory lifeboat is that
the aquarium is a partial ecosystem, the aquarist is an
addict using ever greater quantities of cash to try and
complete it. It can get out of hand, my friend Nick the
Fish started on freshwater before moving on to the hard
stuff* marine aquariums. It starts reasonably enough but
before long the tortured aquarist will try to produce a
more complete ecosystem. For example, replicating the
sun isn't even commented on. That's just "lighting". Say
3kW of it. Then it's "live rock" this and "anaerobic sand
bed" that. We found my friend Nick babbling
incoherently** and attempting to install a small mangrove
forest in his apartment. Ultimately he found it cheaper
and easier to buy a section of the Thai coastline and then
get a job running a major public aquarium. |
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My point if I had one, is that you can't move the contents
of an aquarium into a new one without disturbing all the
complex interactions between aerobic-low oxygen-
anaerobic environments. Then there are the animals,
stress them even a little and they either pump out loads
of ammonia because they're using their own tissues to
combat stress, OR they stop eating and put out NO
ammonia... those will stress the other animals/microbes. |
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On the other hand, this will need a new tank. New tanks
are good. New tanks should be bigger because that's more
stable. Setting up big new tanks makes aquarists happy,
so there's that angle to consider. Then, the old one can
be repaired, and becomes an additional tank. This makes
more happy. |
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*more dissolved solids...
**not actually unusual for those from Lincolnshire |
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// What you've invented here is a sort of inside-out lifeboat. // |
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Yes, precisely. How clever of you to grasp that from the description. |
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// For my own aquarium, this is a series of 5-gallon buckets. // |
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We are very familiar with such containers. |
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// The problem with these and this idea is that it is only the most temporary of solutions. // |
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This has been explained to us. Reeatedly, and very loudly. |
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// Simply siliconing a piece of glass to the crack area achieves the same thing without so much disruption. // |
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... the prerequisite being that there is a suitable piece of glass immediately available. |
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// The reason you can't have a satisfactory lifeboat is that the aquarium is a partial ecosystem, // |
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This too has been explained, while the buckets were being filled, and for some time afterwards. |
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// the aquarist is an addict using ever greater quantities of cash to try and complete it. // |
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You should go on Mastermind, specialized subject "The Bleedin' Obvious". |
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// It can get out of hand, // |
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// my friend Nick the Fish started on freshwater before moving on to the hard stuff* marine aquariums. It starts reasonably enough but before long the tortured aquarist will try to produce a more complete ecosystem. For example, replicating the sun isn't even commented on. That's just "lighting". Say 3kW of it. Then it's "live rock" this and "anaerobic sand bed" that. We found my friend Nick babbling incoherently** and attempting to install a small mangrove forest in his apartment. // |
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Any idea of the timescale on that ... ? |
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// Ultimately he found it cheaper and easier to buy a section of the Thai coastline and then get a job running a major public aquarium. // |
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In Thailand ? At last, a glimmer of hope. |
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// My point if I had one, is that you can't move the contents of an aquarium into a new one without disturbing all the complex interactions between aerobic-low oxygen- anaerobic environments. Then there are the animals, stress them even a little and they either pump out loads of ammonia because they're using their own tissues to combat stress, OR they stop eating and put out NO ammonia... those will stress the other animals/microbes. // |
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There are many, many other issues too ... all of which have been explained. Repeatedly. All the way to the shop, all round the shop, all the way back, and while the tanks were being swapped. |
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// On the other hand, this will need a new tank. New tanks are good. // |
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Out of interest, when you sold your soul to Satan, how much did you get ? |
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// New tanks should be bigger because that's more stable. Setting up big new tanks makes aquarists happy, so there's that angle to consider. // |
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Happiness is not an immediate priority. We are more interested in (a) an end to the lectures, (b) a cessation of leaping up every 83 seconds during the evening to check on the new tank, and most importantly (c) getting the crossbow back in an undamaged state. |
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// Then, the old one can be repaired, and becomes an additional tank. This makes more happy // |
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This is clearly some new use of the word "happy" which we have not previously encountered. |
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You could fight fire with fire. Try the statement "I think I'm
going to start growing corals, I'll need the dining room just
for my algae farm" |
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It changes the title to "Flapjack emergency aquarium"
or no [+]. |
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^ No no, the snails at the bottom... |
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I'm given to understand Borg queens aren't the least bit reasonable. |
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You understand correctly. |
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The pronoun "she", encountered in the midst of your diatribe, indicates that
you are actually in the presence of a far greater emergency than a few
potentially-dessicated fishies. |
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Thankyou for pointing out that subtle detail that might otherwise have escaped our attention. |
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//a power supply that appears to be labelled in Aramaic, or
possibly Cretan Linear A// |
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Hey! I was wondering where that had got to. Without that, I can't
sync my emails to my antikythera device. |
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Does it come with flat fish? |
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This isn't the plaice to flounder around with fish puns, you know. |
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water travesty, another of *these* conversations. |
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//I'm given to understand Borg queens aren't the least bit
reasonable.// They put the fear of cod into [8th]. |
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Power of cod, hmm. That would be a hell of a tough
aquarium to manage. 6ft predatory(ish) fish that
needs chilled water. You'd need a squeegee for all
the condensation |
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