h a l f b a k e r yA few slices short of a loaf.
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The blind fury engendered by the discomfitting humiliation of having your brolly swept inside-out by wet and blustery winter winds is difficult to convey, particularly as you will likely be, at the moment of fury, all of the following: struggling to regain your balance; soaking wet; cold; damp of trouser;
observed by smirking passersby. Shouting and swearing are all well and good but the risk there is that you look less like a strapping young vector for overpowering and indiscriminate harm and more like Basil Fawlty's gangly, car-thrashing tantrummer.
Which is why you made the prescient purchase of the Flaming Fury Brolly, which, upon your depressing the red "Fury" button on the handle, speedily douses the fireproof brolly surface in lighter fluid and then ignites the liquid, sending angry yellow flames shooting haphazard into the gale, while you hold the device aloft, with your gob displaying a manaical grin rictus.
Wont
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/wont
Wont != want, but instead suggests something that is a habitual practice e.g. crème brûlée preparation [zen_tom, Feb 23 2009]
Non-fireproof prototype.
http://www.gemmaros...s/fire_umbrella.jpg
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 23 2009]
Phlogistonic Vehemence Attenuator
Phlogistonic_20Vehemence_20Attenuator
by zen_tom, of this parish. Similar, though nicelier written. [calum, Feb 23 2009]
After his Oyster card fails in the reader, Goku starts getting angry - bus drivers look on incredulously
http://www.youtube....watch?v=dAJTThYOo80
GNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! [zen_tom, Feb 23 2009]
[link]
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Oh, and the deluxe model features a bunsen burner attachement for the ferrule/end, so you can surreptitiously singe the turn-ups of those who impinge upon your right-of-way. Also handy for emergency brûléeage. |
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Great idea, I'd like to widen the scope of usage by adding the option to deploy the same device in manifest fury during other equally unwelcome eventualities such as: unexpected toe enstubbance; voice-controlled booking system based discomfiture; unfair tube enjostlement etc. |
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At all these junctures, a welcome option would be to adopt the appropriate grimace and loft my umbrella skyward as burning immolation to fury incarnate. |
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Once the flames subside, and the fury passes, I can then continue with my day unhindered by rage, or prepare a crème brûlée, as may be my wont. |
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The point of the brolly should explode violently with a huge bang and lots of smoke. This will have the dual role of giving some tangible expression to your rage and, if the blast is sufficiently powerful, blowing the brolly the right way round again. |
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Oh, also the conflagration should be accompanied by a mangaesque *sproink!* noise and a moving, out of focus hatched background - providing simultaneous audio cues and effective visual separation of subject from rapidly parallaxing surroundings. |
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Hahaha! Except that *sproink* is indicative of the very early stages of surprise and, given the swiftness with which such fury consumes me, I would proprose an alternative sound effect: GNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, or simlilar |
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A GNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH gamp |
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Could this be called Umboomrella? Umbrella rage is a thing of beauty - as long as you are watching some else experiencing it. |
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Suggestion - Coat the inside of the brolly (ie the "underside" - with chunks of sodium/potassium embedded in a layer of tar or bitumen. Be sure to leave some exposed sodium/potassium. |
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So, when your brolly turns inside out in the rain, it automatically ignites from the water hitting the sodium, and then the tar burns vigorously. |
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"Paging Mr. Penguin, Mr. Penguin, white courtesy telephone please..." |
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