h a l f b a k e r yGetting blown into traffic is never fun.
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In a house fire, it often becomes necessary to jump from an upper window.
This can result in serious, sometimes fatal, injury.
Fire crews carry trampoline-like sheets for victims to jump into, or use ladders.
But sometimes there's no alternative to just jumping.
The prescient householder,
however, will have invested in one of the new range of BorgCo fire escape shrubs. Simply plant your purchase according to the plans supplied, or place the tub appropriately.
Once the shrub is established it will be nothing more than another bit of anonymous garden greenery, but this is deceptive. Within the foliage is a hidden network of curved polymer tubes covered in closed-cell foam, and cross-linked by an elastic mesh. Thus, a human body falling onto the shrub from a vertical height of up to three metres will be effectively but firmly decelerated to a stop with a minimum of injury. There are no sharp points or edges in either the plant or the support structure, so there is no risk of impalement or cuts, only bruises.
The system is particularly recommended to those who, by virtue of their fascination with combustion and a predilection for carrying out dangerous and inadvisable experiments in an unsuitable domestic setting, resulting in the occasional outbreak of minor uncontained fires, may find themselves in need of an alternative escape route.
[link]
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I am fairly certain that a judicious planting of certain natural shrubs could serve the same purpose. |
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Yes, but we can't make any money out of that. |
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Au the contraire. Nobody knows what they're buying in a garden centre; all you need is to rebrand a suitable shrub with a name like 'Scadentifolia regis var. "Egress" ', and sell it at a huge markup. |
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Can the natural shrub, when crushed, supply a burn balm? |
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Oh, 'allo, Vera; just thought I'd drop in. Any chance of a cup of tea-
tree, known for its mildly antiseptic qualites? |
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<contemplates risk of another flora-themed punfest> |
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<decides to put [pert]'s name down for a kicking> |
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Oh [8th], you know you were pining for one. |
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He'll have to spruce up his ideas if he wants to engage in a pun-fest. The scope of his horticultural knowledge is not wide-ranging enough. In fact, it has 0 range. |
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Fir heaven's sake, not that old Chestnut ... |
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What happens if the shrub catches fire? |
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Recursion, down a vegetable asymptote. |
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You're just going off at a tangent ... |
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A pun-fest eh? Thistle teach 'em! Lettuce see what
this pear get up to! If you thought fish puns made
you feel sick, these will make you sycamore... |
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You just reminded me that The Guardian once featured one
of my tree puns in the "notes and queries" section they
used to publish. It was an answer to a reader's question:
"Can trees get cancer?" My answer: "Yes, some can but they
recover quite quickly at which point they are called
sick-no-mores". |
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Not "shoots first" then leaves? ha |
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Oakay - lettuce be please. |
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I'm surprised so many bakers rose to this pun-challenge. |
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