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I had a meeting with my financial adviser recently, which was a waste of time. While he noted my income and expenses, I made up the figures I thought he wanted to hear.
I pretended that i only spent £15 a week on food, because I didn't want him to think I was greedy. I told him I spent extra on
socialising, because I didn't want him to think I had a dull life.
The net result was a useless chart which told me I had £2000 extra income every month, which simply isn't true. What a waste of time.
For people like me, who find it hard to leave our ego on the doorstep, there should be a mobile Financial Confessional Booth. Made of dark wood, you draw back the velvet curtain and step inside. Talk through the screen to either a non-judgemental accountant, or a priest with a calculator. They total up your real income and real outgoings, giving you real advice based on the results. Then, best of all, you never see them again.
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how much do you pay for a financial adviser that you lie to? just asking. |
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erm.. fifty quid.. er.. three hundred.. what sounds good to you? |
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... hmmm, but how large a donation to give? After all, your confessional advisor now knows the truth of your finances. A donation of a tenner and he'll know you're being stingey ... a thousand and he knows you feel too guilty and that you can't afford it! |
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The priest could advise you on this matter, for a small extra fee. "According to what you earn, you can afford a £20 donation, plus £2 for the donation advice." |
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What software does your personal financial advisor use? |
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What makes you think the advisor wasn't just making up the chart to look impressive? Actually on the figures you gave, you probably go through £150 a month you don't have, but that's not a good selling point for him. |
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I thought this was going to be for white-collar criminals to confess their frauds - ideally with a hidden web-cam spying on them for our entertainment! |
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//you probably go through £150 a month you don't have// That's more of an aspiration, to be honest. |
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That's only five letters away from what the financial adviser told me to do. |
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"I just spent my last $4 on my morning liter of vodka ...<*sobs>" |
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"You are forgiven, my son."
"Thank you, father."
"For your penance, recite sections 13 through 15 of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. And ten Our Fathers".
"God bless you, father" |
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(later)
Hey, what's this item on my bill listed as "tithe"? |
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I went to a financial advisor. He looked at me and said, "I don't do charity, kid. Get a real job." |
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My mother provided me that statement a while ago for free ... |
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$4 for a litre of vodka? That's cheap.Is that American? |
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Yeah ... It passes for a mis-labeled bottle of rubbing alcohol ... pretty nasty stuff, but effective medication against the harsh realities of life ... |
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In UK sterling, that sounds like 20p a shot. Think I'll go bake a Vodka Tube which runs under the North Atlantic so that I can suck the stuff over to blighty and sell it to impressionable teenagers. |
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