h a l f b a k e r y"Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads!" -- The Tick
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A pair of trousers with some foam-like substance in them to muffle farting sounds from your behind. Simple, yet ingenious. The smell isn't a problem because, as always, you can blame it on the person standing next to you.
Halfbakery: Fart Silencer
http://www.halfbake...dea/Fart_20Silencer
25 Oct 02 | While not built into pants, a similar intent. [bristolz, Oct 25 2002, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Halfbakery: Gas Guard
http://www.halfbake...om/idea/Gas_20Guard
25 Oct 02 | Again, not pants, but so very similar. [bristolz, Oct 25 2002, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Farts on film
http://www.mateinas...farts/plantass.mpeg
This video is not for the faint of heart! [IVnick8or, Oct 25 2002]
Facts On Farts
http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
Everything you EVER wanted to know about the fine art of farting. [IVnick8or, Oct 25 2002]
Merriam-Webster's Dictionary
http://www.m-w.com/...tionary?hemorrhoids
Hemorrhoids for [NickTheGreat]. [phoenix, Oct 25 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]
(?) Fart filter
http://www.fartypants.com/fartfilter.html
sold by Fartypants Co., "with activated carbon fits snugly into your underwear, discreetly blocking out the fart smells" [FarmerJohn, Oct 17 2004]
[link]
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Perhaps a charcoal filter would remove olfactory evidence too. |
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Does my bum look big in this? |
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Perhaps a ventriloquism unit to also blame the sound "on the person standing next to you." |
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Nice try [farmer]. But we all know the truth. |
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What about trousers with a wedge that sticks out on the inside? This wedge would keep your buttocks apart, eliminatig the "raspberry" noise of your cheeks flapping against each other. |
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Wedgie pants? Popular with high school freshman, no doubt. |
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maybe a wooden rod of some sort... (Ray ducks) |
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Is it the cheeks that makes the "raspberry" noise? I always thought it was how tight the sphinter was... |
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The following post contains more information than you want, so if you are of a delicate nature, it will be safe to read below the dotted line. |
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Some years ago, I went to the quack and said words to the effect of "My arse hurts all the time and there's blood coming out of it. Is this bad?" |
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The doctor said, "Hmmm. Yes. It is. Up on the table, chop chop." And, after a giving me a couple of instructions, he put his gloved, lubricated index finger up my rectum and had a rummage. Once I was de-skewered and the Doctor de-gloved he said, "I'm afraid you have hemorrhoids" and then told me to get some medication. |
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Since that fateful day, I've not managed to do a decent fart. No rip roaring trumps, no little tommy squeakers and not a single slippery squelch. |
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I'm sure there was a point in my telling you all this... Oh yeah, protection against audible farting is available free on the NHS and for a small fee in other nations. Better to treat the problem than the symptoms, as my Doctor never said. |
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I simply may never recover from having read that [calum]. I think it started with "had a rummage" and from there went all whackyass. Tears are truly spilling onto my keyboard. |
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<mirror check> barnzenen: you're right. </mirror check> |
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Wouldn't industrial foam earplugs be less cumbersome. I didn't mean for ears... |
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The OED lists the spellings as either: hæmorrhoids or hemorrhoids. |
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(apologies for blatant plagiarism)
The following post contains more information than you want, so if you are of a delicate nature, it will be safe to read below the dotted line. |
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Some years ago, I went to the quack and said words to the effect of "My arse hurts all the time and there's blood coming out of it. Is this bad?" |
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The doctor said, "Hmmm. Yes. It is. Up on the table, chop chop." And, after a giving me a couple of instructions, he put his gloved, lubricated index finger up my rectum and had a rummage. Once I was de-skewered and the Doctor de-gloved he said, "I'm afraid you'll have to see a specialist." |
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Since that fateful time, blissfully bereft of a large intestine, I fart all of the time. They are generally odourless, but make up for that by invariably being extremely loud, wet and horrifically acidic. |
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---------------------------------------------------- |
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I'm sure there was a point in my telling you this... oh yeah - there is nothing wrong with everyday smelly 'parp's. There are other things to be embarrassed about! In the meantime I could really do w- <swquatharp...> Oh dear. |
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