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Guests are all very well … but there are limits. And
some need to be made clear more than others.
For those who suffer from inconsiderate guests,
BorgCo are now able to offer a means to curb the
gratuitous over-use of toilet paper by visitors.
Simply replace your toilet roll holder by the
new
BorgCo device, insert a roll, set the desired
parameters, and then let the machine do the work.
When a reasonable amount of paper is extracted,
monitored by a quadrature optical shaft encoder,
nothing happens, but as the first preset limit is
reached the holder beeps quietly and a red LED
flashes.
If the guest continues unrolling, then a much
louder beep sounds, and the LED becomes
constant.
Take just a little more paper, and the unit starts to
yell loudly, "HOW MUCH DAMN PAPER DO YOU
NEED, YOU WASTEFUL SOD ? BUY YOUR OWN ! ARE
YOU STEALING IT FOR HAMSTER BEDDING, OR
TRYING TO BLOCK THE WC WITH IT ?". The
mechanism also locks the spindle to stop any
further paper consumption.
A passive infrared sensor ensures that the room
must be vacated for at least one minute (user-
programmable delay) before the latch releases.
The unit is quite expensive, but pays for itself in no
time if there's a serial unroller in your home.
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I find that whole idea interesting and plausible...until we get to the part where you have visitors. |
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We don't have visitors. Whatever gave you
that idea ? |
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Just because someone bakes cakes doesn't
mean they actually eat cakes. Someone who
mends cars might not drive them. |
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A coin-fed meter, 10p per sheet? |
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I`m sure there`s an addon for a 3D printer, so it could print paper. Presumably the guest would kind of lose patience waiting for the second sheet to be knocked out? |
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So I need to find some research on this subject, as it's becoming more common reference lately. |
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Yesterday I caught an ad for a toilet tissue make that claims to dissolve better than other brands, and they said this was good "for those who use more". And I wondered, is that me? Am I the target market? For those who use more than... what amount? |
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I realized I have no idea how much asswipe other people use, it's not something that comes up around the dinner table much. Do people use one or two squares? Great bunched up handfuls? Looping swirls prepared by draping about the neck? |
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It makes sense that the toilet tissue companies know this, with their market research and sales figures and the like. But how do I as a toilet product consumer know? I'm concerned about being in this "use more" category, because maybe I need this new fast dissolving tissue. Maybe I am the problem and never knew it all this time. |
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But I don't want to buy it only to discover that I actually use less than most. How can I ever know? What if I discover that the entire world has only been using a couple of squares here and there and I am responsible for the overwhelming majority of toilet paper use in my community? What if I find out the opposite? What if I'm a "serial unroller"? If I have been doing it horribly wrong all this time and no one ever told me, no one ever gave me the chance to make it right? |
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This new uncertainty has filled me with angst and provided no way to find relief. |
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<temporarily jams the mechanism while turning the toilet paper roll over before returning to the taco fest> |
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// I realized I have no idea how much
asswipe other people use, it's not something
that comes up around the dinner table much
// |
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What strange dinner parties you must attend. |
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// This new uncertainly has filled me with
angst and provided no way to find relief // |
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3. One up, one down, and one to polish. |
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A single length of non-dissolving toilet paper (cloth actually) would solve this problem. After use, the "paper" simply retracts into the dispenser where it is washed, dried, and awaits the next guest. |
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// Our work here is done … |
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Ah but the worry existed before your idea, which is just another cultural indicator. |
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Does your device come with recommended parameters? How does it behave 'out of the box' - is there a factory default setting, and if so how was it determined? |
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// Does your device come with
recommended parameters? // |
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// How does it behave 'out of the box' // |
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Cruelly, and without pity. |
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// is there a factory default setting // |
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// and if so how was it determined? // |
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By evaluation and detailed operational
analysis of the behaviour of the Imperial
Japanese Armed Forces between 1936 and
1945, with special reference to their
treatment of civillains in occupied territories,
and captured combatants. |
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//This new uncertainly has filled me with angst
and provided no way to find relief.// |
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According to Kimberley-Clark, the average Briton
uses 1.3 metres of a standard (non-quilted, 2-ply)
toilet tissue after defaecating. The average
North American uses 1.5 metres, the average
Frenchman (or woman) a meagre 0.8 metres, and
the average German 1.8 metres. Why this
difference should exist, nobody knows. |
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Figures from the same company show that the
average female Briton uses just 0.4 metres after
urinating; the average North American uses 1.1m;
the average Frenchwoman 0.5m and the average
Germaness 0.9m. Strangely, the average German
male uses 0.1m after urinating, which makes me
wonder if I've been doing it right. |
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No, I don't think you did. Would you like to? The
floor is yours. |
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Thank you for the reassurance [MaxwellBuchanan], my butt feels strangely Teutonic now. However I have poor estimation abilities and so I will nail a yardstick to the bathroom wall and hang a journal next to it. |
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// I use 3, folded in such a way that each side of each square gets used. |
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[21 Quest] like a Jacob's Ladder toy? Having trouble with the math on this. |
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[swim] that is disgusting |
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[8th] you have a black little heart. As for the idea [+] |
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// you have a black little heart // |
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// You see, you use one side then the other |
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How are you holding the square when you use the other side without getting fecal matter from the first side all over your hands? |
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Soul ? What is this "soul" of which you Hu-
mons speak? Your words are strange to us.
We know nothing of "soul". |
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It's worse than I thought. All this time I believed the idea was to not get shit on your hands. |
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I have to re-evaluate everything now. |
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<gleeful demonic cackling> |
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This question is decidedly similar to 'How many licks
does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.' |
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The world may never know. |
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