Eau de Boss Dog

Everyone knows dogs are hierarchical. Each dog knows its relative place in the pack, and when two strange dogs meet one another for the first time, it only takes a quick sniff and they know their relative ranks. Rank does not seem to correlate with size or strength - everyone knows of a bossy poodle who lords it over the household's great dane. This fact, plus the interest with which dogs investigate the shrubs and poles they encounter, convinces me that dogs have a pheromonal equivalent to stripes on the sleeve, marking their rank for all other dogs to smell and know.

A series of experiments should determine what this pheromone is. A given dog could be housed with several dogs of known dominance, and his urine serially examined using gas chromatography. Serial examinations would be needed to control for the influence of diet or other unrelated metabolic factors. Next, house your test dog with several submissive low rank dogs and again evaluate the urine for volatiles. The changed elements must correspond to rank.

Once determined, this chemical could be mass produced. A light application to your dog or addition to his feed would effectively promote him to Emperor of All Dogs. Roaming curs who once growled your poor pooch into submission would now cringe in fear at his lordly stink. Your dog would walk with a new spring in his step, tail held high. The only problem I can forsee might be if your dog took his prosthetic rank too seriously, and began to sleep on your bed, growl at the kids etc. It might be necessary for family members to also use Eau de Boss Dog in small amounts, to preserve the structure of the pack.