EastSvenders

After a recent 'sex scandal' of peculiarly un-epic proportions at Soho House, the English Football association handled the media so badly that it ended up shooting itself squarely in the metatarsal.

Afterwards, England football coach Sven Goran Ericsson complained that the tenacious UK press were turning his private life into a soap opera.

I suspect that if the FA's press team did turn Sven's life into a TV soap opera, and broadcast it, the desired effect of cooling the public's interest in his private life might be achieved fairly quickly.

Episodes might include 30 minutes of Sven pining for Nancy while flicking through the Ikea catalogue, an extended conversation with David Beckham about Victoria's latest diet, or half an hour of Sven scrawling tactics on the back of a fag packet.

Each episode should be set in his rather bland house, which would have a librarian atmosphere, with an oppressive ticking clock disturbing the otherwise still air.

I doubt it would make it past episode two.