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Drifting Away

 I feel lost
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Since bristolz's death, I have found that I have drifted away from this place, only coming in occassionally. I've just been floating along, with barely and new ideas, and none of them really any good.

I feel that all my inspiration is gone with her; every time I come back here, I feel sad.

People are my inspiration. When somebody passes on, I feel like a chunk of me passes on, too.

My inspiration has drifted away, lost and alone. I believe I have written 2 ideas in the last month. I really don't know what to do here anymore.

I'm drifting away, but I don't want to disappear. I need help getting back on my feet, but I don't know what to do.

—DesertFox, Sep 11 2006

This is not about death http://www.bluinc.com/free/human10.htm
or mourning or anything, but I've always found it very helpful. [DrCurry, Sep 13 2006]

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       Everyone dies. Celebrate her life, don't mourn her death.
—DrCurry, Sep 11 2006
   

       Nibblin' on sponge cake,
watchin' the sun bake;
All of those tourists covered with oil.
Strummin' my six string on my front porch swing.
Smell those shrimp
They're beginnin' to boil.		   

       Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know it's nobody's fault.		   

       Don't know the reason,
Stayed here all season
With nothing to show but this brand new tattoo.
But it's a real beauty,
A Mexican cutie, how it got here
I haven't a clue.		   

       Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
Now I think, - hell it could be my fault.
   

       I blew out my flip flop,
Stepped on a pop top,
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.
But there's booze in the blender,
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on.		   

       Wasted away again in Margaritaville
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know, it's my own damn fault.
Yes, and some people claim that there's a woman to blame
And I know it's my own damn fault.		   

       ------------   

       DrC, I know, but it's very hard. Stuff like this, I find it hard to forget.
—DesertFox, Sep 11 2006
   

       Sometimes when I feel similar to this, for whatever reason, I use the adversity to turn it around. If you say //people are my inspiration//, then open up to others and see what else there is out there. You don't need to forget, just start to remember.
—xandram, Sep 11 2006
   

       Likewise. Go someplace awe-inpsiring (a cathedral, the Grand Canyon, the dawn, whatever), and let it wash over you as you face your memories of the people you are mourning.   

       I did that on the first anniversary of September 11 - I spent the week hiking about Mohonk Mountain House, and saw every dawn and sunset, and it helped enormously. I felt that the spirits of those I knew were now free to flow about that beautiful place, and I was able to let go of all the horror. (I still jump at loud bangs and rumbles, of course.)
—DrCurry, Sep 11 2006
   

       I know how you feel DF. I miss having her around the 'bakery too, but just go with the flow. Inspiration will return in it's own good time.
—DrBob, Sep 11 2006
   

       "Everyone dies. Celebrate her life, don't mourn her death." DrCurry, Sep 11 2006   

       When God makes you God, please feel free to come back and tell us all how to be/feel/grieve. Meanwhile you feel free to be,and feel the way you wanna be. As a very wise hospice nurse once wrote; "Everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way, their own time, and their own style."   

       Stop telling anyone how to mourn. You mourn different than I do. You emote different than I do. (Oh wait...let me check, can you tell me if I did it right for my brother, dad, mother, sister, and my unborn child? I wanna make sure I did it your way. If not they may not have known I missed them correctly). Cause only you know how to kiss goodbye the ice cold, gray cheek of someone you loved, you heartless SOB.)   

       D.F., me, and the rest of the world will mourn the way we chose.   

       Jealousy is an ugly emotion, Dr. Who, and I can assure you, our girl who is resting, isn't now, nor has she ever, been jealous of you.   

       This is the second time today you have insulted folks for feeling.   

       Perhaps you might want to check into your own window. I think you might be missing a view.   

       Thank you Dr. B, for twice today taking the sting outta the words of one major buffoon. I wanted to comfort him, and offer a perspective about how worried we all were; and he bit me.   

       D.F. wasn't here then, and was just expressing his sense of sadness we all feel, about loss.   

       Read your first response C. You can be a mean son of a bitch.
—blissmiss, Sep 12 2006
   

       Yow! bliss, I didn't read DrC's anno that way. If I am being naive please forgive me, but I saw it as one piece of advice, one suggestion, one opinion as to how Fox might cope.   

       Indeed, everyone must deal with death on their own terms, but isn't it better to be offered a dozen different ways to ease the pain than to be immersed so deeply in it that you can see no way out? I choose to believe that if bris could pass along some words of comfort she would thank us for our thoughts and prayers, then tell us to quit moping and get the heck on with our lives.   

       And before you snap at me, too, please realize that I still miss her terribly as well. Not more than you, not less than you, just differently.   

       I wish I had a magic phrase or special thought I could write here so everyone would be able to move forward, but I don't. I hope you find something to help you out, and if you need me, I'll be here.
—Canuck, Sep 12 2006
   

       but, picture Bristolz,
blank paper on her desk
imagining, imagining.		   

       would we could all subscribe to her ray of light.   

       We should all take note of how she lived her life.
—Zimmy, Sep 12 2006
   

       I suffer from really nasty depression from time to time. Only medication shifts it when it takes hold. Haven't had a bad bout for about two years, and off all meds. I keep myself very busy, run a lot, put stuff into my notebooks very day without fail. I understand your pain. When nothing makes any sense, I just try to make nonsense. You are clearly well adept at this yourself. Get busy, your audience is waiting....
—xenzag, Sep 12 2006
   

       I don't share [bliss]'s interpretation of the good Doctor's words, at all. Neither do I think this is the appropriate forum to be launching personal attacks.   

       [DesertFox], we'll miss you if you go.
—zen_tom, Sep 12 2006
   

       Things ebb and flow...creativity for sure does this to me. I don't worry when I'm not being creative, I can't force it. I didn't really know bris, but I would think that she wouldn't want to be the blame of someone else's loss of creativity. Sometimes *pain* has been the biggest inspiration in my life, and I took that pain, and I shaped and molded it into poems, pictures, dances, and whatever, until it took another form.   

       I don't think DrC. was wrong in his advice either. DF seemed to be asking for help. We all give it in our own way.
—xandram, Sep 12 2006
   

       DersertFox, I have no real words of advice for you, as each person is very different in how they deal. But I have talked to many people during times of pain and confusion and one thing seems to come clear when nothing else is.   

       People know what to do, when to do it, and how do it.   

       Listen to that quiet voice in your heart for that next step. Debate with it, talk to it, hell, tell everyone around you what it keeps saying and that you don't agree with it. Believe that your heart is wrong and evil for telling you what you know to be true. These are all steps needed to come to terms with what your heart requires you to do. But give yourself time to hear it, it does not always talk very loud.   

       There- that's my cliche talk for the day. I guess it does sound very advice-like, sorry, I didn't mean for it to. Do what you must DF and know that there are many here that will support you in whatever you choose or choose not do.
—NotTheSharpestSpoon, Sep 12 2006
   

       blissmiss: I may well be a mean son of a bitch, but you are misreading my words. Death is a doorway, not a tragedy.
—DrCurry, Sep 12 2006
   

       //I'm drifting away, but I don't want to disappear. I need help getting back on my feet, but I don't know what to do.//   

       To be honest with you DF I think you are already doing it.   

       If it were me I would just take each day for what it brings, the inspiration and the joy will return(in their own time). If you keep her memory in your heart then things will turn out right in the end. For all of us death is a trial that noone else can tell us how to handle.   

       For me I try to be joyful about the rare opportunity I had to experience one of the truly beautiful people of the world, and that makes me feel happy and free.   

       If you feel you want to go, then that is OK. Just know that we will all be here when you are ready to return, and we will look forward to that day with eager anticipation.
—jhomrighaus, Sep 12 2006
   

       [Dr. C] I can see why bliss is upset. Regardless of what you think you meant or what you intended to say, the fact is that Bliss took it as a negative in combination with your responses to her idea and Im not sure that she is totally off base(though [bliss] you are being a little harsh to)   

       Maybe we can set up a Mini Con at one of those Sumo wrestling simulation places and you guys can beat the snot out of each other, i suspect that you would both feel better, In the mean time though I think you are both making things worse.   

       In light of all that is going on in the world and here perhaps you could both cut it out and follow your own advice.   

       This is the halfbakery, its about having fun with ideas not ripping into friends and fellow halfbakers.
—jhomrighaus, Sep 12 2006
   

       Find inspiration where you like, or where you don't like. It comes from odd places; friends and enemies both can serve to drive you to try new things. Perhaps you'll take a look at something in a whole new light one day, simply because you're staring at it to avoid focusing on grief or loss.   

       But for your own sake: please, please don't use me as a muse. You'll start thinking of "great" ways to rent out children or objectify 50% of the population.   

       Now, if you can find some way to do both at the same time...
—shapu, Sep 12 2006
   

       It's just a website. Take a hiatus, find a cause, write a book, or do something altogether away from the beige box on your desk for a good while.
—RayfordSteele, Sep 13 2006
   

       Some people live so clearly that when they die, we can't help but hear their music echoing. All the more so when the song ended before it was over. I've been here only a few months, and had only begun learning to hear bris's tune when it ended. It already rang deeply, and I can understand how for those who listened to her longer than I, this site is filled with echoes.   

       I don't offer these thoughts as advice, just reflections... It's not wrong to feel lost, to hear the missing notes. Keep listening. There is music all around: in nature, in people, and in you. Trust that you will hear those tunes again, just like you heard hers.   

       Listening isn't something we can force ourselves to do, it's something we allow to happen. You don't have to have the answers yet. Simply letting yourself live is all you need to do. Live, and listen, and the answers will come.   

       (And incidentally, thank you, DF and others, for the music in your ideas, your annos, and your elves... keep playing!)
—imaginality, Sep 13 2006
   

       What [Ray] said. Sitting in front of a computer is not the best thing when you're feeling low. We'll still be here when you come back (unless [bliss] and [DrC] do actually kill each other in the meantime). In the meantime, have a hug.
—moomintroll, Sep 13 2006
   

       [DF] Feeling sad that someone you respected and valued is gone (whether they died or just moved away) is perfectly normal. Feeling especially sad in situations that remind you of that person is also *perfectly* normal and entirely to be expected. As long as you don't get bogged down by the negative emotions so much you forget to enjoy the positive ones, you'll be fine. Give it time.   

       Remember that, in the HB, you have a community of people who can appreciate and sympathise with your misery and confusion.
Nobody here expects you to do that which is beyond you. Writing new ideas is not the be all and end all. Until such time as inspiration strikes (which it will), please don't be scared off by the fact that coming here makes you *feel*. It would be more worrying if you didn't. Love and hugs.
—squeak, Sep 13 2006
   

       Thank you all.   

       DrCurry, I understood what you were trying to say in your first anno, that nothing bad was intended. Zimmy, that short anno, poemlike, gives a beautiful image. I've taken to listening to Bohemian Rhapsody; for some odd reason it helps.   

       We miss you bris.
—DesertFox, Sep 13 2006
   

       Bohemian Rhapsody is by far the best rock-out song ever made. Especially for car dancing. Take your wheels out and just go crazy.
—shapu, Sep 14 2006
   

       Especially if your wheels are an AMC Pacer
—wagster, Sep 14 2006
   


 

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