Dog simulator

Most people, unlike me, seem to like dogs, but even the pro-dog lobby has to admit that they come with a lot of issues. Millions of dads around the world are being pestered right now by their children (and spouses) for a "puppy", and the usual practical objections fall on deaf ears.

I would like to be able to buy a kit which will let the little darlings understand what life with a canine in the house will really be like. It would consist of dog-smell aerosol which I could spray liberally in the bedrooms, in the kitchen, when dinner is being served, etc; a large quantity of dog hair which could be sprinkled around the house daily, including on the beds and the sofas; a CD with random howls and barks which would be put on at full volume all night, and simulated urine which could be squirted on the floor at random (admittedly tap water would do for this, but you don't have to tell them it isn't real...)

Of course, the need for 'walkies' is always accomompanied by the promise that 'we'll do that - you don't have to worry' - a promise about as believable as anything Goebbels ever came out with, and this would be hard to simulate. However, I may have the solution: the kit includes a subscription to a locker at a suitable distance from home, into which you deposit their allowance on a daily basis (after deducting the cost of food, vets bills etc, which they have also promised they will bear), and if the the box is not opened that day, the money is forfeited.

I realise a lot of you are hating me for saying all this, but tough luck!