Divorce Registry

As a thirtysomething bride who is engaged to marry her equally mature groom, I am shocked -- shocked! -- by the greed involved in the custom of registering for wedding gifts. If the marrying couple is young and has not yet established a home together, registering for electric mixers and linen tablecloths is less of an outrage. But why should anyone buy ten table settings of bone china for a deliriously happy adult couple who have already combined their well-stocked kitchens? They're happy, they're getting married; why make them even more enviable?

The people who could really use gift registries are those who are getting divorced. I propose a new tradition, similar to the engagement process:

1. The couple decides to divorce.
2. They inform their friends in writing; tucked inside each letter is a small card naming the stores at which the ex-bride and ex-groom have registered (Crate&Barrel, Habitat, furniture stores, lingerie boutiques, small-weapons emporia).
3. They set the date on which the divorce will be final, and plan two separate divorce parties, on or around that date.
4. The divorcing couple's friends bring their gifts to the party, or can optionally send gifts up to a year after the date of the divorce. In this way, the ex-bride and ex-groom can stock their kitchens, living rooms, bookcases, etc., with everything the departing partner took away.

In divorce as in marriage, the gifts will not guarantee the success of the endeavor. But we all (the married, the divorced, the retailers) can agree: there are times when it's much easier to be happy because you have a barista-quality polished brass espresso maker and milk steamer on your kitchen counter.