h a l f b a k e r ycarpe demi
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...a theory of my own (and perhaps many other lone wonderers) involving a trip to the dentists. Think about it- bright lights, masked figures leaning over you probing your teeth, the feeling of being 'rooted to the spot', the injections/gas etc, all symtons shared by both dentists patients and (claimed)
abductees. Maybe the stress of a tooth pulling session combined with wooziness brought on by the anaesthetic could subconsciously get associated with the alien abduction thing.
Still haven't figured out the waking up completely naked in the middle of a field, though...
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Fillings are actually implants so they can track you and control your mind. |
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// Still haven't figured out the waking up completely naked in the middle of a field, though... // |
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Hm. I think dentists should offer this service. |
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Or maybe dentists are really aliens. |
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I've seen a lot of alien cab drivers. |
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but dentists don't drive cabs.. |
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Dentists are alien agents. Come on; you knew this. |
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Why else do you think they tell you to come back every six months? "Cleaning"? HAH! They're checking the status of that chip implanted in your jaw! |
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Retreating back beneath my aluminum-foil helmet ... |
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A lot of aliens drive cabs.
Dentists don't drive cabs.
Therefore a lot of aliens aren't dentists. |
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Hmm. Dentists...aliens...alien anal probes...it's all just a big conspiracy to cover up every dentist's real desire to be a proctologist. |
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Aliens drive cabs
Dentists take cabs
Patients take cabs
Patients go to Dentists
Aliens don't go to Dentists
Therefore;
Dentists go to Aliens
Patients go to Aliens
Patients go to Dentists
Aliens don't go to Dentists
It's a Given;
Patients are terrified of Aliens
Patients are terrified of Dentists
Aliens are terrified of Dentists
So;
Patients are more terrified of Dentists than they are of Aliens
Aliens are more terrified of Dentists than they are of Patients
Which proves;
Dentists are the ones with the probes
To wit;
The Tooth Is Out There |
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Try to get some sleep, Mr Thumb. It will all look better in the morning. |
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Regardless of the other facts noted by timo, I've always felt that there was something 'not quite right' about dentists. I mean, even given the money that they earn, would you want to spend all day gawping into someone's gob and inhaling their bad breath? Nah, it's just not natural! Have a croissant timo. And don't forget to brush your teeth afterwards. |
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I feel much the same about bananas: horrible alien things which have wormed their way into public adulation through their easy-open packaging and richness in potassium. |
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Any day now they'll all return to their home planet. And I for one won't miss them. |
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(No, I don't like bananas.) |
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Alien, be a dentist and alienate patients.
Dentist, have patients and you will suceed.
Patient, I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Here is your coin. |
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You want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth! |
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The Tooth hurts?
the tooth will set you free? |
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"I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly. |
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{off-topic grammar lesson} "Crestfallen" does not require the "-ly" suffix in this statement, as it is not an adverb describing "said", but an adjective describing Tom. However, in the following example, the swiftie word is an adverb and therefore does require the "-ly" suffix: "Take the prisoner downstairs," said the warden, condescendingly. |
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Good try, 'squekey but you've picked up on the wrong error I'm afraid. yama's sentence should read...
//"I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom Crestfallenly.//
...Tom being the son of Mr and Mrs Crestfallenly. |
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yamahito is quoting an early 20th Century Tom Swiftie - boys and girls grew up devouring the adventures of Tom Swift, a sterling young hero created by Edward Stratemeyer. Tom and his friends and enemies never just said something: they always said it *excitedly* or *sadly* or *hurriedly*. Tom Swift and his wonderful electric aeroplane have been mothballed, but the
adverbial pun game known as Tom Swifties still flies. The object is to match the adverb with the quotation to produce, in each case, a high-flying pun:"
"I love these pancakes," said Tom flippantly.
"My pants are wrinkled," said Tom ironically.
"Oh, I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly.
"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.
"I hate pineapples," said Tom dolefully.
"I'll take the prisoner downstairs," said Tom condescendingly.
--from: "Get Thee to a Punnery" |
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My brother used to do that a lot.
Briefly, he bought some underpants then rightly he left. |
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(ps to waugs: that would be Tom, crestfallen.) |
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"Burn in hell!" said Tom heatedly.
“What an adorable ass,” said Tom gaily.
“Guilty as charged,” said Tom with conviction.
“Chill out,” said Tom coolly.
“I’m not a rat-fink!” squealed Tom.
“I’m going to make a canoe from a birch," barked Tom.
“And 2 + 2 = 4,” added Tom.
“Don’t call me a wimp,” cried Tom.
“What a bitch.” said Tom doggedly.
“Oh oh oh aaaaaaaaaaagh,” said Tom climactically. |
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"The tooth will out," said Tom punnily.
"You are my sweety 3.1416," said Tom calculatingly.
"I'm going to become a woman," said Tom broadly.
"I'd better take another cathartic," said Tom relaxingly.
"Ah, that's better," said Tom loosely.
"Whisky on the rocks," said Tom stonily.
"You taste so good," said Tom cunningly.
"I'm a navy man," said Tom fleetingly.
"I did it my way," said Tom frankly.
"Without a donor they put in this stupid plastic pump," said Tom heartlessly.
"You live in the past, I live in the present," said Tom intensely.
"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.
" " said Tom quietly. |
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<interrupting> Recently I had a white filling, I mean tracking microchip, put in. This was an extremely unpleasant and time-consuming event involving an ultraviolet light being shined into my mouth, against which the dentist had to have eyeshades as protection. If any other person were to do this, most of us would probably kick them in the kahonas. But if a dentist does it, well, we grin and bear it. Dentistry is the perfect guise for a race of aliens I believe are bent on controlling the universe, one tooth at a time. They are the Dentastians, humanoid aliens who use the cover of a dentist's mask to hide the reptilian scales found there. I think we should send Geraldo to do an in-depth report on the subject. </i> |
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Was that "the hearbreak of polar's molar"? Or the mole hearing the polarbear? Or the molecular breakdown of bipolar hearing? Or the pole breaking the mole's heart? Or an arctic tomato's deaf tooth? |
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"C'mon in, the water's great." Shouted Tom swimmingly.
"My mom calls me sunny." Tom said brightly.
"Look she's got cubs." Tom barely whispered.
"You mean you actually embalm them?" Tom asked, mortified.
"I think we're out of gas." Tom sputtered.
"So you call this thing a trampoline?" Tom asked loftily.
"Well how am I supposed to read this if it's in code?" Asked Tom remorsefully. |
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and bee, from her nest in the tree, buzzed hopefully. |
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"Stopping now." Tom said haltingly. |
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"I'm on pins and needles", Tom said sharply.
"Say, you're quite the fox", Tom said slyly. |
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"Someday I'll be called 'Lord of the Dance'" said Tom flatly. |
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"The flying saucer that I arrived in is really a cryogenic stasis pod." 2 fries said cryptically. |
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I like my dentist. He hums as he works. |
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This gets a crescent if only for the volume of the groan generated by FarmerJohn's tense pun. |
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wow, we came a long way from aliens to Tom Swifts!
said Tom half-bakedly |
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A popular urban legend of the 1960's held that the metal of an amalgam filling, when activated by oral juices, was able to rectify AM radio signals from the air and transduce them audibly, as in the time Gilligan accidentally hits himself and becomes a radio receiver (mighty fine daytime reception they got on that island). Perhaps the aliens have perfected their craft in the intervening 40 years, so that communication now occurs in areas of the spectrum we cannot so easily observe. Thus, the introduction of the polymer filling, in which case the UV setting light is used to turn on the transceiver. Also, why do you think they can identify forensic remains so easily? Each of those fillings is a mini data store, recording life-events from the wearer. Why bother with black boxes, anyway, when you have that? |
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An alternative theory is that alien abduction experiences are once-forgot but now reassembled (remixed?) memories of the night-time nappy-changes of infancy: always beginning in the dark, the door opens in a flood of light (from the hall) and a mis-shapen bipedal form walks in (dad), the "abductee" is lifed helpless into the air, stripped and has his or her undercarriage and/or back passage interfered with, before behind reclothed and placed back in bed. |
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Did your parents leave you naked in a field after changing you? |
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//a mis-shapen bipedal form walks in (dad)//
That'll explain why the north ranks top in alien abduction reports then. I would hazard a guess that Norfolk is probably quite popular too. |
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Dad, Uncle, Brother .... could be all three at once in Norfolk ... |
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Be glad it's not wales. At least in Norfolk they tend to try to keep reproduction within the same species .... |
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