h a l f b a k e r yA dish best served not.
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the band can set up, looking at the screen, and then wait, with their hands muting their guitars in attempt to contain the feedback of their cranked amps until the singer starts to get upset (could be a long time). and then as the singer starts to belt out his/her first "WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" the band kicks in. lots of tension, then a worthwhile release. |
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hahahahahahaahahahaahah (+) |
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The baby would likely try and eat any kind
of microphone placed within his/her reach.
Pastry, regardless. [+] |
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Takes away the need for a wah-wah pedal. |
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"Hey man, the baby can really wail!" |
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Has anyone noticed that crying babies have gears? |
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They shift. Like WHAAAAAAAAA -ulk- WHAAAAAAAAA -ulk- WHAAAAAAAAA -ulk- WHAAAAAAAAA -ulk- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA ... |
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So, Americans, do your babies go WHAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAA ... ? |
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This sounds OK until, like me, you have tiny rock-star neighbours who rehearse their vocals through the night. |
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"until a disembodied breast appears and the show is over" - in a lot of places, that would be the start of the next show.... |
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Hardcore metal chicks wave their boobs at the band at a lot of shows. They do that here, that kid's just gonna get frustrated, and scream louder. |
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Assuming he can see them, of course. |
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Haha...you sicko. Have a screaming croissant! + |
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Crying babies are painful to a large
proportion of the population, and for a
very good reason. The fronto-temporal
sinus contains a protruding finger of
bone (actially it's more like a thin strip
than a finger) called de Brach's Process;
this strip is covered with a particularly
thin layer of tissue, and is highly
flexible. (the de Brach's is often
snapped in head trauma cases, and
some people who escape major injuries
report a tickling or painful sensation
behind the bridge of their nose; this is
actually the broken de Brach's wobbling
around, attached by soft tissue alone; it
eventually heals or gets absorbed.) |
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de Brach's process has a natural
resonant frequency which varies
somewhat from person to person, but
does not vary as much as you might
expect. A group in Canada recently
showed that de Brach's process tends to
resonate at the dominant frequency in
babies' cries - about 520Hz (and
harmonics thereof). There are an
unusual number of nerve endings
around the base of the de Brach's,
making it very sensitive to vibration. |
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You might think all this is coincidence,
but it turns out that some primates
have de Brach's process too, and in
each case it has a resonant frequency
close to the strongest frequency in their
offspring's distress calls. And, even
more compellingly, howler monkeys
have a de Brach's process, but only in
females; in males there's no equivalent. |
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So, I can't really bun this. |
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Then the concert-goers must all be male howler monkeys! Bosh. Problem solved. |
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Well, female howler monkey's could go
too.
Different species, different resonant
frequency. |
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Or replace the baby with a howler monkey
sapling. |
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So, essentially, what we need is for concerts where the wailing child is of a different species to each of the concert goers. This would be good, as hipsters would be forced to employ gig dogs* to attend Crying Baby Hardcore Band (incidentally, the band name is perfect as it is) shows on their behalf, the dogs reporting back that night by means of a series of woofs and barks, thus enabling said hipsters to comment authoritatively, and in their usual witheringly condescending manner, on the greatness of the CBHB performance, without endangering their de Brach's Process. |
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* Other creatures may be suitable: gig bees could provide a report by way of subtly reconfigured bee dances, for example. The Gig Mr Ed would be able to hire himself out to those hispters who find themselves too busy to learn ape-/dingo-/crayfish- speak. |
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Hmmm... "de Brach's Process" doesn't get any hits on Google... |
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//"de Brach's Process" doesn't get any hits
on Google...// Ah - hang on. Let me
check something. |
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Ah, yes. Apparently I was confusing this
with the "lateral process", which is part of
the heel. Easy mistake to make. Pologies. |
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No, the lateral process isn't connected with
hearing. I was thinking of snakes. |
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Exactly. That would explain why they
seldom go to concerts. You can see how
easy it is to get confused about this kind
of thing. |
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[UnaBubba] it appears that the report on
de Brach's process was made by the
same
researcher who discovered the beetles
with
the predator-dazzling reflective elytra.
Sadly, it has come to my attention that
this
source is wildly unreliable and probably
drug-related. |
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On the plus side, though, if we can get
de Brach's process sufficiently widely
known, it will be a very useful. A
vacuum cleaner, a yapping dog that
needs walking, a power-drill, a
befouled infant in need of changing, an
Andrew-Lloyydd-Webber concert - any
of these things might (tragically) hit the
resonant frequency of one person's de
Brach's, but not that of, say, their
spouse. |
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Comments reminding me of (underrated stuff, this) Roger Waters' "It's a Miracle": |
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We cower in our shelters
With our hands over our ears
Lloyd-Webber's awful stuff
Runs for years and years and years
An earthquake hits the theatre
But the operetta lingers
Then the piano lid comes down
And breaks his fucking fingers
It's a miracle |
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