h a l f b a k e r yNumber one on the no-fly list
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Ok, we have the Richter scale, the Fujita scale, the hurricane level system, and countless others.
My new invention does away with all of them and combines them into a single, simple measurement. I propose that everything be rated on the Sphincter Scale.
A small device is inserted into the
rectum and when confronted with an earthquake, tornado or other disaster, this device would measure the amount of force that the wearer exerts upon the device. With current wireless technology, these devices could feed into a central computer that would correlate all of the data and give an average from all sources. In addition, the epicenter of an earthquake could be found quickly from this data.
Imagine walking up to your friends and saying, “Wow! Did you feel that quake last night? I’ll bet it rated at least an 8 on the sphincter scale!”
Almost the right shape too.
http://www.vendingm...m/robgripstren.html
[Klaatu, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]
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surely individual sphincters are varying in their sensitivity to disasters. how would a butterfly flapping its wings on the other side of the world affect things. gawd its too early for anal problems. |
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By having a baseline measurement of each individual, the computer would measure the difference in the sphincter pressure and average the results. This would make the differences statisically insignificant. |
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What if the butterfly lands on your nose during the
earthquake and this makes you sneeze? |
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Would anyone in China care? |
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If a chinese butterfly loosened it's sphincter in the middle of a forest... |
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oh a rat's ass cares. just no one cares about the rats ass. who gives a rat's ass? that's right, no one! poor caring rat's ass. yup pretty hungover |
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I'm not volunteering for calibration... |
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since when was that a reason for mfd? where is The Rat, I would like his opinion. |
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problem is with this device is that some might find a given phenomena less scary than another. It would therefore record different results on the device and lead to less consolidation rather than more. |
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A measurement needs to be independent, repeatable and consistent no matter where it is measured. This device would not give this. |
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For measuring distances, would you have to drag your butt along the item to be measured? |
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Yeah, and just pray your not measuring linear feet of sand paper or square yards of gravel or acres of nettles!
Besides with some people I know there wouldn't be room for your probe unless we got their heads out of there first! |
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You should try powering it with a fuel cell. Convert methane or sulphur into electricity. Then you wouldn't have to jam any 3.3V button batteries up the... |
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Actually, I was thinking along the lines of a 24 volt system. 16 D-Cell batteries, in series, should do the trick nicely. |
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