h a l f b a k e r yInvented by someone French.
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For me, Xmas dinner this year was a fairly sloppy affair. Although the turkey was done to a T and the pigs were cosily snuggled inside their blankets, something went a little awry on the vegetable front. The timing was a little off, and we ended up with sludgy sprouts, calcified carrots, and broccoli
that had had the very bejesus boiled out of it.
The end result was that it was very difficult to get a satisfyingly mixed combination of tastes on a single fork. While the turkey and other meats could be easily speared, the slippery vegetables didn’t have quite enough substance to them, and would just dissolve into a compost-like green gunk under my repeated stabbings.
Fortunately, Christmas is almost unique in the wide range of condiments which find themselves suddenly mutually acceptable at the same festive table. There were a spectacular range of mustards within arm’s reach, cranberry sauce (which at any other time of the year would be a jam), bread sauce, and a schooner of gravy that I’m pretty sure was just a whole cow my mother had melted down.
The point is – these various condiments, with their varying viscosities and adhesive properties, proved to be just the ticket in slowly and craftily building up a truly festive forkful of flavour, despite the recalcitrance of the soggy sprouts and the rest of their vegetative ilk.
So here’s what I’m proposing: make a range of mustards and other condiments that retain their taste properties but harden like superglue, either after a few seconds exposure to the air, or after they’ve been mixed with another, similar condiment.
Imagine the delicately-balanced constructions that master chefs would make – simple ice-sculptures and chocolate fountains would be thing of the past as true culinary geniuses constructed intricate Eiffel towers of taste that would be as pleasing to the eye as to the palate. And for the rest of us – playing with your food takes on a whole new Lego-like meaning.
At the very least, sandwiches would be a lot less messy.
Recipe
http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/534806
for [8th] [MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 31 2007]
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Annotation:
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// The timing was a little off// [lostdog],
you really need to speak to your staff -
this is unacceptable. It's a point to raise
directly with the head cook, rather than
going through the housekeeper. Trust me,
if you don't tackle these matters when they
first arise, the situation will only get worse. |
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// It's a point to raise directly with the head cook // |
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Standards are falling everywhere ... no, you must speak to your butler, who will then speak to the cook. Are you really the sort of person who speaks directly to junior members of your household staff on a regular basis ? Shame on you. |
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//you must speak to your butler// |
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No; you must ask your wife to speak to the housekeeper. Shame on you. |
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As for the idea; I can imagine it getting a little dry and brittle to eat, but a bun for the sheer number of alliterative phrases you squeezed in there. |
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8th, systems vary from estate to estate,
of course. However, in our household
at least, the chief housekeeper is at the
top of the pile, with the head butler and
head cook directly beneath her,
followed by the usual order for the
other staff. |
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Nevertheless, there is a protocol that
says that, where matters are particularly
serious, it is the done thing to step over
one layer of heirarchy. Hence, I might
speak directly to Cook concerning
culinary matters; by the same token, the
head butler might take up a problem
directly with one of the chauffers, rather
than going through the under-butler. |
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The reason for this "hierarchy skipping"
is very simple and practical. There is
often discord and tension between one
member of staff and those directly
below him. By feeding complaints
through someone's direct superior, you
risk excacerbating this tension. If, in
contrast, you approach them directly,
they are saved some embarrassment in
front of their immediate manager, and
they will be grateful to you. It builds
trust and loyalty. |
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As my grandfather always used to say
"bring complaints to the man; relay
praise through his superior." It works
very well, and makes for a happy
household. We have a staff turnover of
less than half a percent per year
(including death-in-service), and
the average retention time is two
generations. |
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I have to worry about your teeth, my doggy friend. |
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I must remember to tell Jeeves to fire my parents. After all, their job was done years ago, and now they're just extraneous to requirements. |
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If your mother can melt down a whole cow, she should have no difficulty finding other employment. |
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Any hints on how to make this incredible edible glue? Without a little bit of method, I can't fasten a croissant to this. |
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When the servants aren't around, I use the Indonesian dining style of a big spoon in the right hand and a fork in the left to scrape goodies into the spoon. Fast, fun, and no glue needed to build a mix of flavors. |
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"When you dine with [baconbrain], sup with a Big Spoon ...." |
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// It's a point to raise directly with the head cook // Wow that is posh, having a person just for cooking heads. |
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There's nothing more disappointing than a badly-cooked head. |
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God, you lot are so...so....hoi polloi. |
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Go get your head boiled (properly). |
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8th - recipe provided (link) for your
convenience. |
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//We shan't let him any champagne in
future// Quite right too. Combined with
the heat from the barbie, it must have
overcome him. |
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//We shan't let him any champagne in future// |
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Well, you know what they say about champagne--you don't buy it, you only let it. |
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