The other day I was thinking about how much sex Einstein must have
been offered after he became famous with General Relativity. Too
much in fact..
As the story goes, he had women (and men) making human pyramids
up the walls of his house. Knocking down the door with rams. Taking
his trousers
down at gun point. Others leaping on him from trees as
he passed under them, (like Newton’s apple - but more desperate for
sex) and so on and so forth.
Frightening in a sense, and also saddening that he was unable to
satisfy them all. Plus he probably would have quite liked to have
some peace and quiet to carry on thinking (he’d already told his wife
in no uncertain terms to shut up and leave him alone - now look
what he’d gotten himself into)
A ‘composite famous physicist’ is what’s needed really, to take some
of the strain off, and meet the sexual demand without being pumped
dry.
The participant (let’s say it’s me) would use the Internet to find
twenty or so people who look almost identical to me, aided by a
slight disguise, eg moustache and pince-nez and a stoop.They would
all live in the same house.
Voila, we have our composite Physicist, appearing to be one guy.
But what about the physics, the fame part? Easy, again the Internet
comes into play. One option is to get all the popular physics books
written by Brian Greene et al, evicerate them, and using the good
old ‘cut and shuffle’ method, put the ideas together in 100,000
different ways, with a splash of imagination, creating different
100,000 Theories of Everything, published online under various
names.
One of these theories would surely be not too far off the mark.
When it transpired which one (as real physics caught up) i/we would
quickly delete the wrong theories online and broadcast how I had got
there first.
All a bit long -winded, though, and in fact totally unneccessary,
when one sees what a great bullshit enhancer the Internet is, a great
generator of new ‘truths’. As Pop, the Arts, and the Ruskies have
taught us well. (Though it must be said the Ruskies are not doing so
well now. Their mistake could have been denying their attack before
it actually happened. Silly. )
A simple equation like ¥^5 = ¥^5 —1* should do the trick. (Who knew
yen was fundamental?) The theory itself will be inexpressible in
mere words. A few hundred twitterbots should do the rest, aided by
positive feed back, shooting us up to the top of google. Forever.
Naysayers will be shouted down by louder Twitter bots. Scorned by
the physics community we we be sexily “ the bad boy of physics”
and “the maverick” .
Now reinforce the front door, and wait for the highs pitched
screams, the Roses chocolates through the letterbox, the
disgustingly wet and malodorous knickers..
*Ps I made a simple discovery here with might REALLY have
implications for physics. I was always told two minuses make a plus,
but typing two minuses in a row here just made an extra long
minus..oh. what have I discovered? What have I done?
Do I really need to reinforce the door ?