h a l f b a k e r yCall Ambulance,
Rebuild Kitchen.
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Sometimes it is vitally necessary to thoroughly dispose of a
document, and a regular public trash can is just not good enough.
Fret no more. Simply look round for one of BorgCo's new Public
Shredders.
Insert payment, and when the flap opens, feed in your document
one sheet at a time. Watch
the crosscut fragments fall past the
viewing window into the collection drum, where they mix with
water and
detergent to form a totally illegible greyish porridge.
Secretly scanning shredder
What the license fee is for [notexactly, Mar 12 2019]
[link]
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This will very nicely complement MaxCo.'s range of ultra-slim wireless scanners, which can be inconspicuously affixed to the shredder slot, allowing all documents to be scanned as they pass by, for later downloading. |
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This will also allay suspicion of the MitxelaCo public "shredders" which look identical to the BorgCo ones, but lack any shredding element at all. Watch in dismay as your sensitive document falls in front of the viewing window, irretrievable and perfectly intact for everyone to see. |
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This would be a great thing to have at the local...
whatever. Convenience store, stationery store, even gas
stations. You just take a file folder with you when you
need gas
and while the car's filling up, get rid of your sensitive
financial documents. |
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I have to use a paper shredder not just for financial
documents but for all these stupid credit account drawing
checks that come in un-solicited. |
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I really don't appreciate having checks with my name on
them being sent to me several times a week through the
mail that I have to shred so somebody doesn't pull them
out of the garbage and try to use them. I'm not going to
take a cash advance out on my credit card just because
they remind me I can. |
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Loans for anything other than a home should really be
filed with other things in life that seem like fun but are
extremely toxic. Like sugar, petting strange dogs on the
street that are foaming at the mouth and voting
democrat. (Or voting for democrats that are foaming at
the mouth.) |
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There's a lot of call for that sort of thing round where you live then, [IT] ? |
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Most of the documents that people shred consist of illegible greyish
porridge to start with. |
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Just give it an IP address. That way people can send
their documents straight, wired or wirelessly, from
their computers or even the cloud to the shredder, no
printing or even standing up required! |
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In a pinch I tend to take 2litres used motor oil,
bleach,ammonia, cat litter, diapers, foul meat and
saturate my papers with it. Usually works good! |
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Bonus points if any Halfbaker under the age of 45 can name the only two made-for-adults science fiction movies in which gerbils play a significant part. |
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Well, not "Night of the Lepus", because that was giant carnivorous rabbits ... |
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Actually, the scene at the end, which is clearly just a few puzzled rabbits wandering round someone's model train layout, is actually funny and rather sad instead of scary. The highlight comes when a pencil appears briefly in shot, and pokes one of the rabbits to get it to move. |
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Hmmm... a Public Shredder? This brings the movie
"Fargo" to mind, or perhaps "Soylent Green." I
foresee a wildly successful marketing campaign
followed by public shaming and governmental
enquiries. Good Show, [8th of 7], Carry On! [ + ] |
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Sadly, it's not possible; the cast are no longer available. Kenneth
Williams, Sid James, Charles Hawtrey, Kenneth Connor, Roy
Castle, Bernard Bresslaw, Peter Butterworth, Jim Dale ... gone, all
gone. |
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Babs Windsor's still around, but that's about it. |
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More of a mincer than a shredder, but a useful idea. |
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If a bathetic rather than dramatic conclusion to the movie were
desired, Charlton Heston could have discovered that the new
food product being offered was made entirely from arthropods,
publicizing this fact with a screamed warning to the onlookers
that "Soylent Green is beetles !" ... |
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// , how would you carry out a complex and wide-reaching
processing supply chain like that with nobody knowing vital facts
such as that? // |
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Employ staff of very limited intelligence and highly flexible moral
standards. Pay them well. Monitor them closely, and discreetly
execute any that show signs of being talkative. Have a massive
advertising budget and use it to influence media. |
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Actually, I've noticed that so-called "crematoria" just have a conveyor belt and a pair of cheap automatic curtains. After that, who knows? Chest, nuts roasting on an open fire. |
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RE: "...Soylent Green is beetles !..." |
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Would have definitely gone over well with the
entomophagists in the crowd. |
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// This will very nicely complement MaxCo.'s range of ultra-
slim wireless scanners, which can be inconspicuously affixed
to the shredder slot, allowing all documents to be scanned
as they pass by, for later downloading. // |
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Hey, where's my license fee? [link] |
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//made-for-adults science fiction movies in which gerbils play
a significant part.// |
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[Attention thoroughly riveted] Pray tell? |
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Haven't a clue, my best guess would be
there (might?) have been a mention of certain practices in
Flesh Gordon, but no actual gerbils. |
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//..discovering their chips aren’t made of potato...//
I'm pretty sure they AREN'T made of potato; they are shoe-
string chips for a reason: plenty of "coating" (which may or
may not contain "flavour") and a tiny strip of indeterminate
substance on the inside, so small as to be irrelevant.
(Disclaimer: it has been a delightfully long time since I had a
McDonalds "chip".) |
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