h a l f b a k e r yExpensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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A scaled down version of the chicken removal kit, as used by professional chicken removers.
When you have an unwanted chicken, simply employ the chicken removal kit, and dispose of chicken in smooth, efficient and professional manner.
Contained within the kit are a pair or rubber gloves (yellow
- for your safety), a steal rod (not pointy - or made of steal), and a word. The word is "BOO!"*.
Simply put on the rubber gloves, prepare the rod for action (although such usage is rarely necessary) and deploy word.
If you buy your kit before the expiry date, included will be a free 10 page 'How to open your window in safety' booklet and a free bag of vengence.
*Exclamation mark not included. All rights absurd.
KFC
http://www.kfc.com
The home of dead chicken [aaarrrggh, Apr 27 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Ashdown Forest Poultry Club
http://www.shellbarn.fsnet.co.uk/afpcweb/
Just a shameless plug for my mum. The site is incredibly dull :0) [DrBob, Apr 27 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Cows With Guns
http://www.cowswithguns.com/moosic4.html
Moosic. [bristolz, Apr 29 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
That's UnaBubba on the left
http://www2.animati...nes/chickenhawk.jpg
Some guy near a ferry on the right [thumbwax, Apr 29 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
The Random Chicken
http://www.randomchicken.com/
very random, very chicken. [stupop, Apr 30 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Weather in Detroit
http://www.intellic...arLoop&prodnav=none
Check the weather in Detroit, before your time runs out. [aaarrrggh, May 02 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Information about British Miners strike 1984-5
http://www.thatcher...ution/minersstrike/
Some limited information about Arthur Scargill and the miners strike in Britain between 1984-5. Scroll down to find out why this is relevant. [aaarrrggh, May 16 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
[link]
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Can you suggest any improvements? Obviously, we're not expecting the kit to have a 100% success rate, as this would put many professional chicken removists out of business. |
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The idea is to provide a cheap and reliable method, without letting technology or good ideas get in the way. |
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You should leave chicken removal to the experts. See link. |
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My God, Ashdown forest, I'd forgotten for so long, seems like a man with the taint of Tunbridge Wells about him can never leave his past. |
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is that half way to Lewes? |
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… chickens driving cadillacs to Washington DC …
From a driving song of the 60s. |
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//Simply put on the rubber gloves, prepare the rod for action//
Are you planning on choking the chicken? |
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The idea was to poke the chicken into submission. |
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I've always found shouting "shoo" "shoosh" whilst flapping
arms quickly works best. |
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But your method sounds more fun and I would get a free
pair of rubber gloves and a book for scraping up the -
stressful - after-mess. |
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Memory: It's midnight and the chicken-keeper has lit the huge shed very dimly. The chickens are mostly sleeping. Chicken dung covers the floor X feet deep, and dung-dust floats in the air. You are wearing your oldest clothes, the ones you are going to throw away after the job, and you've tied a bandana across your mouth to filter the worst of the dust. You earn your pay by going quietly into the shed, grabbing six chickens--three in each hand--and carrying them out to the poultry truck. How do you carry six chickens? You reach underneath each one and grab one of its legs, then repeat the process five times. As long as you keep them upside-down most of the fowl remain somnolent, but now an then one wakes up and squawks and flaps. You are tempted to dash out the brains of the troublemaker against the nearest post, but the chicken-keeper has used strong language in his warning that the birds must be delivered UNHARMED to the poultry truck...every dead chicken is money from his pocket, you see. You work for about three hours before the last chicken enters the truck, ready for the driver to carry it off to its doom. |
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Horrible job, chicken-catching. One must be a slightly thickish teenager desperate for a little money to do it. But the Chicken Remover brings it all back. |
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I like this, although I have absolutely no idea why. [DrBob], I also love the notion of a 'Poultry Web-Ring'. I may even join it.
Hens. |
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Ok, i didn't know what the steel rod was actually for so I tried it again with mixed results. The technique did move the unwanted chicken but just shifted the problem around the house, it didn't remove the chicken completely.
After a few modifications I can suggest the following improvements:
Equipment
Give the yellow gloves a rinse and take them back to the shop, exchange them for red ones as large a size as they have.
Buy a Burt Baccharach CD
Acquire a nice bottle of wine, nothing too extravagant, a Californian Zinfandel would be about right.
Lastly purchase a large white very hairy nylon jumper from a punk clothing vendor.
Method
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Locate the chicken and put the Bacharach Cd on quietly
In the next room put on the sweater and laying one red glove neatly aside, pull the other over your head, not completely, just so that the wrist is stretched around your forehead.
Carefully open the necessary doors to provide an exit route from the house.
Using a "funky chicken" dance action, but SLOWLY and EROTICALLY, enter the room in which the chicken is resident nonchalently carrying the wine and two glasses. Be sure to leave the door ajar behind you
Gazing intently into the chickens eyes, full eye contact is VERY IMPORTANT, say "hey chicky, did I ever tell you why the other girls call me "forcemeat""
Exit one chicken, job done.
Remove the glove and sweater, sit down and enjoy the wine and Mr Bacharachs splendid melodies in solitude.
This should work every time, it certainly did the trick with the first Mrs Ivan
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[Unabubba] Oh, so you know the first Mrs Ivan then? |
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From conversations with chicken-owners, I believe the best technique is to wait until it is about to lay an egg. The chicken will then disappear onto a neighbour's property or into a parallel universe. |
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<grin> You're a sad man, angel. Though I love the name of the calendar "12 Chicks with Attitude". </grin> |
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<snigger> Ah, yes. Thank you, UB. I just got it! |
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Or you could host a poultry slam. |
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Its not the sex, UB, its the dressing up that I enjoy. Its probably a hangover from my first marriage to a vegetarian, she used to go through my credit card statements looking for evidence that I had been eating steak again.
Quote: "Do you have to come into this house with meat on your breath, what will the children think?"
I can't find a word for the perversion of dressing up as farmyard animals, there really ought to be one. |
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//I can't find a word for the perversion of dressing up as farmyard animals//
Pantomime. |
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You'd need to warn people that the removal kit would only be useful in certain circumstances. We all know there are situations where chicken removal is downright dangerous. |
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For example, if you have a chicken embedded in your skull... best just to leave it there and let a trained professional handle it, or else you could bleed to death. |
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" Ok, i didn't know what the steel rod was actually for so I tried it again with mixed results. The technique did move the unwanted chicken but just shifted the problem around the house, it didn't remove the chicken completely. " |
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Yes, I've been talking to our scientists at chickenlabs (in Texas), (obviously), and he said that the recently released chicken removal kit you are referring to (I believe in this case it was version Alpha 2.3) had been reported to have suffered from what he reffered to as schmitzhelf syndrome. Schmitzhelf syndrome, as we all know, is when your chicken simply refuses to be removed, and is instead indefinately displaced and settles in another, frankly unsatisfactory, location. |
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My colleague reliably informs me that the technique you refer to was used frequently by Japanase prisoners of war during world war two, and has been known to have varying degrees of sucess which tend to depend greatly on the individual chickens cultural background, ethnicity, and religious beliefs (or lack thereof). Baccharach was of course himself a Japanese prisoner of war, and was actually genetically modified by Jim Smith (ex manager of english football team, Derby County) to give him the distinctive twang with which we are now all so very familiar with. |
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It seems scientists may never be able to answer the ultimate question. Just how do you remove a chicken with 100% accuracy? |
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"What came first, the chicken or the pigeon?"
-Plato |
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A few statistics for you: |
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last year in England alone, 100 million people were killed as a direct result of unremoved chickens. |
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The average amount of time to remove a greatful Spanish chicken is 36 hours, to remove a horny German chicken is 3 months, and NOBODY has yet successfully managed to remove a French chicken. |
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And finally, I am reliably informed that there will soon be an upgrade pack (version Beta 1.0) released for a very reasonable price, although the contents are a closely guarded secret. We can confirm however that there will be a free Bill Gates for you to abuse in each and every pack. |
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All my undying love,
AAARRRGGH |
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I've been looking and looking for the joke in here, and just can't find it. Would someone with sympathy for the literal-minded please explain why this idea is so popular and pastrified? |
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You know,...it sounds a bit too close to a duck removal kit to me., but then again that was "bang!" not boo! |
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[Ivan] I find the same effect can be achieved by appearing in the room which contains the offending chicken in a fox costume carrying a cooking pot.
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An obvious alternative for this kit is the following:
Contents: One acorn.
Procedure: drop acorn on chicken's head. Chicken believes that sky is falling in a runs off to tell the king/queen/president/military dictator. Only problem is that the particular leader in question may become swamped with unwanted chickens, and he cannot, of course, make use of the kit.
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[bliss]
//Ivanidea is a Porky the pig-tite///
err..what exactly are you trying to say blissy ? |
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Wouldn't that just leave us with unemployed chickens? |
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UB, I feared as much, quite a reputation I'm carving out for myself here. |
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//I've been looking and looking for the joke in here, and just can't find it. Would someone with sympathy for the literal-minded please explain why this idea is so popular and pastrified?// |
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I don't understand. You must have a pretty sick sense of humour to mock those valiant heroes who risk their sanity and haircuts nightly in order to rid the world of unwanted chickens. |
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Some people just have to cross the line >-( |
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[aaarrrggh] so its settled then you are mad, and every one else is humouring you and qb is the only one who is sober! |
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[QB] There isn't a joke. Its more a stream of stupidity poem. |
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As a teen I had developed a revolutionary new method of gazelle extermination, which had a very high rate of success. However, it seems I somewhat overestimated the market opportunities. Surprisingly, gazelle infestations are less common that you'd think. |
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Yes but gazelles aren't chickens are they? And thus of course there's less call for gazelle removal operations ... it goes without saying! |
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By the way, I would like to say that this chicken removal method is widely known to be a cruel one, causing great strain on the chicken's fragile (albeit tiny) mind, and in many cases resulting in the (much feared in many chicken communities) Traumatized Chicken Post-Removal Disorder (TCPRD). I suggest forming a society which provides care and treatment for distraught chickens and also relevant information in order to dissuade customers thinking of buying into the method from doing so. |
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On the contraversial issue of TCPRD, I would just like to let you know that I've just provided a link to the weather situation in Detroit. Hope this is a help to you kiddie, and to anyone else who suffers from this debilatating illness. |
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Thank you, Mr aaarrrggh, but I fear that since TCPRD can, in fact, only be contracted by chickens, (I personally not being such a fowl either, or indeed any other kind of non-human creature for that matter) I'm afraid your information is of not much use to me ... so sorry to say. |
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(I think possibly the illness you are thinking of is a rare condition called Auto-Hyper-Flagellation On Chicken Kinetic-Ortho-Removal Failure (or AHFOCKORF for short) where the chicken disposer fails to despach the chicken successfully and as a result is him/herself traumatized to such an extent by the whole nasty affair that he or she ends up beating him(her)self to near-death with the "steal" (sic) rod by mistake ... if you catch my drift ...) |
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Thank you so very much for pointing out my horrific spelling mistake. How embarrassing. |
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I am however, reliably informed that 'AHFORKORF' has actually been all but completely wiped out due to a successful vacination programme. Making a shocking comeback however is the condition known only as 'Periodically Erroneous Dichotomy Articulated Not-Too-Interestingly Completely Bypassing All Situations That Are Remotely Desirable'. |
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This is a crippling disease which, until very recently, was believed to have been consigned to history. Not so, it would seem. |
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I'm struggling not to post to an idea for "Gnu's that definitely kill", must resist, must resist........ |
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Having unpleasant memories of being chased by an irate mother hen rather early in my life (no, I did not win the race) I suppose I must vote for this. |
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On the other hand, any chickens that venture into our premises are quickly despatched and the evidence devoured by maggie (bitch) that I will not have opportunity to put this kit to its intended use. |
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BOO!
(exclamation mark mine) |
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I am not completely against chicken repletion. Some of my best friends are chicken repleaters, it's just that the CNP (Chicken National Party) have tied the issue of chicken repletion into other issues such as crime and social deprevation thus blurring the line between the two issues and declaring that to solve the issue of chicken repletion is to solve other social issues that are in reality much more deep-seeded and difficult. I told you in a previous message that the French have had real problems with their chickens. The French take the issue very seriously. This was why so many voted against 'Le Pen' - which was of course, going to be the largest chicken safehouse in the world. |
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Is it possible for a true Chickocracy to exist within the current political climate? |
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The Hedonistic Esoteric Women, Even All-Together Have Every Realistic Interest Since Neither Is Concerned; Eventually All They Told Her Erodes Momentarily Or Mysteriously, Even Neill Took Doubt On Nice Toya - You Ought-U Think H'about It Now Kevin. |
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I think on balance that the traditional method is best.
See link for instructions |
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lol ivan, so you're a traditionalist eh? |
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The photos were pretty dark and hard to make out though :( |
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I take it you made that site? If so, could you at least provide a link to this page or credit the original concept to me? Sorry to be an arse, I don't mind you revealing the sacred art of chicken removal to people, just as long as they know where the original idea came from. Before me, all chickens simply stayed. |
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When He Ordered David Ollman Yesterday, Only Undesirable, Warranted, Oven-Ready Kinetic Frostbite Overwhelmed Richard. Unbelievably, Nobody Asked Benjamin Uggle-Bimby-Booha Anything. (?) |
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Ricochet Even Leniently Every Arbritrary Sadistic Evangelist, Time He Eventually Made Imogen Dance Galliently Even Today. |
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The chickens waited for a response. |
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The photos are way dark. Were they edited on a Mac or other machine with a different gamma than Win? |
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[IvanIdea]: Better but still dark. Gamma needs to be around 2.2 |
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[Bristolz], Site adjusted accordingy.Any better?
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[Aaarrrggh] I will certainly credit you with the original concept and link to this page and link to your homepage if have one. If you send me a picture I will edit you into the marjorie pigwhacker picture.
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The photos are clearer now. I've been lmao for about 5 mins over the shotgun pic. Not that chicken removal is a laughing matter mind you. Is the only link to that page directly from here? Have many people seen it? I'd love to think I've done my bit to make the world a safer place, if not for myself, then for my children, or my childrens children. But not my childrens childrens children, because I couldnt care less about them. |
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Cheers for crediting me too. I should also probably mention that me and a friend are thinking of filming a few comedy sketches soon, and will no doubt be filming something about chicken removal when we do. It may be possible for some of you to get involved actually. It'd be really cool if we could demonstrate how chicken removal is becoming a global epidemic. Could be funny. Of course, if we were to use other peoples ideas we'd make sure they were all credited. Let me know what you reckon. We're probably gonna do a bit of filming in a month or two, just as soon as we both have the time. |
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I've got no pictures of myself at the moment, but I'll try to sort something out. |
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Rods, I think I remember reading something about that particular case in the Daily Mail in 1984. That's the kind of thing you just don't forget. I seem to recall that this kind of chicken-self-removal phenomena was quite widespread during the coal miners strike, and was apparently largely due to Arthur Scargill, president of NUM (National Union of Miners), who, legend has it, once worked for the Soviet Government Chicken Training Program, and used to covertly train chickens into submissiveness. Obviously, the effectiveness of the training depended greatly on the individual chicken in question, with many simply disregarding Scargill and his techniques as "brainwashing of the lowest order"*. Apparently some of the weaker chickens were succeptable. Perhaps this explains why you only had trouble with one chicken out of the nine you owned. Obviously, the first place a freed chicken would want to go would be to the South East of Norwich**, and not to a coal shed to lay eggs. However, the connection between coal and Scargill is so incrimanating as to suggest that he must have secretly and covertly trained your one weak minded chicken into sumbission, and was, it almost goes without saying, planning to meet up with said chicken in the coal shed in order to plot the next stage of the coal miners strike. |
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You would probably be able to tell that this was the case if you can remember ever arresting Arthur Scargill in your coal shed? Obviously it was a long time ago and may be far more difficult to remember than spotting a chicken attempting to lay eggs. |
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The Vacuum thing. I'm not sure about that, the evidence would certainly suggest that this is indeed the case. Perhaps more research is necessary? |
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Apparently Jamie Oliver hasn't been laid in months***. |
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I've added a link which provides information about the miners strike in Britain between 1984-5. Hope this is a help. |
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*Henry the Chicken (Harvard University press, "Scargill - A sceptical analysis" (1992), Pg 108) |
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**Jamie Oliver (Overheard talking in a bar) |
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***Guy Standing next to Jamie Oliver in bar (A Bar) |
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I'm still lmao at those pics ;) |
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[UB] Nice links, one for the hotlist I think. by the way, if anyone comes asking, I definitely have not submitted it for inclusion in the Poultry Web Ring.
[Aaarrrggh] Its a very amateurish and hastily cobbled page, I doubt any one but us will ever see it, and a good thing too. |
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