Botanical Body Building

The latest growth industry from La La Ville is body horticulture! Yes, a bio-business to keep your trees and plants fit, is branching out from the West Coast. With roots in human calisthenics and weight lifting, the firm uses methods such as weighted cuffs and carbondiobics to train the little green weaklings. Also nutrition (ecological cow crap only) and massage (to smooth bark and remove knots) are important.

Not to be confused with simply hanging weights to form the branches of bonsai or fruit trees, this is serious business with a hands-on, personal trainer for each house plant. With a steady monologue of “Keep that sap moving! Come on, you can hold one more pound!” the trainer peps his chlorophyllic client to put on more fiber in the right places. The result is hurricane-proof palms that none dare kick sand on, healthier fruit trees that can hold a heavier harvest, and powerful plants that seem happy to support more flowers, longer, without drooping.

Despite a recent backlash of naysayers crying “Hoax” and tree surgeons warning of excessive training, the market for hopeful owners of couch potatoes and vegetating shrubs would seem huge.