Blandwagon

Some of us, bless our sensible souls, never fell for the whole "sharing every mundane moment of your life online" thing. Now, suddenly, we're the weird ones. Employers, universities, even the government all want to "check your online presence". Well, if having no presence is suspicious, we'll give them one.

Voiceco offers this new digital product. We'll infest an above average number of platforms they're likely to snoop on. Facebook? Check. Instagram? You betcha. LinkedIn? You'll be LinkedIn to exactly what you want them to see.

Modules include:
Content Collation:
"Look, I Have Hobbies!" Images of you pretending to enjoy hiking (with just the right amount of appropriately worn outdoorsy gear, attending "local events" where you look like you're interested and participating, and generally engaging in activities that scream "I'm not doing anything interesting enough to be a red flag."
The "I Can Talk" Module:
Posts debating acceptable topics in an acceptable way using acceptable language. Topics include popular sports teams, pizza toppings, and cooking.
The "I Love Things (In Moderation)" Module:
Posts and pictures of you participating with and showing enthusiasm for your company (the one on your resume), your country (the one you're trying to get into), and "community" (the one you tolerate).
Authenticity Augmentation:
Timestamps and GPS data that place you in the exact locations where the average person who likes the other things in your profile would be. A legion of "friends" (bots, mostly) who will like and comment on your posts, giving the illusion of actual human interaction.

All of this comes with: Customization (Because Even Blandness Needs Options): We offer pre-fab profiles for common professions (the "Diligent Accountant," the "Enthusiastic Teacher," etc.) or we'll craft a bespoke persona so generic, it blends into the digital wallpaper. Also included is:
Maintenance: For a moderate fee, we'll keep your profile updated with fresh, uninteresting, uncontroversial content, ensuring your social media presence remains consistently, reliably, utterly irrelevant to your applications.