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Birth Bath
Experience the miracle of life every day. | |
It’s 6:15 a.m. You slip into your new Birth Bath and set the timer. The water is exactly 98.6 degrees and the room is almost completely dark. The only sounds you hear are a heartbeat and some muffled gibberish in the background. You quickly become so relaxed that you lose all sense of time and space.
Suddenly
your reverie is shattered. All of your precious water is flushed out through a small tunnel at the head of the bath. The whole tub seems to come alive. It lurches forward and begins to slowly push you through the same impossibly small opening.
Fortunately the tube is expandable but it is still so tight you can hardly breathe. The tub has stopped pushing now and you see two giant stainless steel tongs creeping toward you menacingly. They firmly grip you by your torso and drag you a few more feet.
With one final tug, you burst through the exit into the blinding fluorescence of your kitchen. The tongs gently deposit you onto your favorite overstuffed sofa next to a freshly brewed cup of coffee.
Ahhh...it’s good to be alive.
Now off to work at the factory. Those toothpicks don’t sort themselves you know.
Born Again Swimmingly
born_20again_20swimmingly
Swimming pool version [xenzag, Mar 18 2008, last modified Mar 19 2008]
[link]
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Birthing yourself in the kitchen? |
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(I'm glad that we don't have a emoticon facility, I wouldn't know which one to use.) |
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Well you start in the bath, but end up in the kitchen. |
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I'm giving this one a wide birth. |
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Not at all. That's our normal body temp here in the USA. That's just how tough we are. |
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What? In degrees Kelvin? - Cool. |
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Is this going to leave a huge mess in the kitchen? |
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Just as long as you don't get dumped in the sewers like The Matix... |
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It seems like a beautiful idea until I think of being spewed out with giant placenta... |
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OK, but why the forceps though? I've been at my babies' birthings (7 by now and no longer counting) since 1988 and I have yet to even see the things in the delivery room. Are we that advanced here? |
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7. Seven. Siete. Sieben. Sept. Shichi. Sette. |
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Forceps are from long ago, when C-sections were not routine. These days if the baby burps in the birth canal the whole process is stopped and the baby is cut out. |
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Will your bath have the easy-out top-opening for traumatic cases? |
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7! applause (your wife/wives) |
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Singular, please. It's all I can handle of the gender. |
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I scoff at the average suicide bomber who thinks he can handle 72 of you lovely creatures in his heavenly abode. |
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For an extra poetic touch, include a free coffin bed with purchase of your birth bath. |
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Sigh...you're right, xenzag. Although the purposes are very different, the actual machine would be similar to "Born Again Swimmingly". I never would have thought to look in the sports category. I will delete at your request. |
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Don't delete - it's fine by me. In fact
have this croissant. + |
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My bun is pending the removal of the forceps. Not that you really care... |
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This would be pretty cool, if the birthing started on the second or third floor and you ended up in the kitchen via the tube twisting down the staircase. |
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“I don’t know nuttin bout birthin no babies!” (First person to name the movie gets a free bun) |
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Okay instead of forceps to extract the birthee, the Birth bath would be like a giant, rubbery syringe with breathing holes. |
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Times up!......Phlltttppppth! |
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Gool call skinflaps. We might as well let gravity do some of the work. Thanks. |
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can we have somebody at the other end turn you upside down and smack your butt 'til you scream ?.... please ? |
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Gone With The Wind. Where's my bun? |
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Excellent. Looks like you have plenty of great ideas to choose from so I'll pick out my favorite and bun away. |
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skinflaps, don't even go there - its messy and painful and just leads to loads of laundry... |
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OK GT, I just bunned your Confederate flag post, and added my 2 cents as well. |
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Would the starting place on the second or third floor be a womb with a view? |
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Breaking News GT: Micro soft gene rally issued, Microsoft generally is sued! |
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(Bonus bun for the Diplodrome) |
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Bun(+), just replace the forcepts with a suction cup that attaches to your head. Also, the tub should be only 3 feet long. |
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OK I get it. No one likes the forceps-but a giant skull-vac? Do you really think that's an improvement? |
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For 8 lb. babies maybe, but a 200 lb adult? |
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Ummmm... I kept blacking out with every graphic visualization while reading this. |
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Or if you're upstairs, then you fall through a hole in the floor strapped to a placenta bungee cord. -> bouncy |
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This would be very big in an obscure fetish market, I believe. |
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Can't I get wrapped up in a fluffy towel?(+) |
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Ahhh…thank you Mr. [Voice] for choosing the Re-birth Health Spa and Resort. Yes, of course you may have a fresh towel. Also, don’t forget about our complimentary rodeo. It starts in one hour. |
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The umbungeecal cord is a winner. Thank you [quantum]. |
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