Bed of Nailguns

Last weekend, I lay on a bed of nails. As I was lying there, I thought about how science had taken the awe out of many feats I found wondrous as a child.

Now I have nothing against science, but I do like wonders. And while modern illusionists put on quite a spectacle, in the end, you know in your heart that what you witnessed wasn't real.

Swamis, shamans and other mystics are being marginalized in the imaginations of an increasingly jaded public. But they may be able to compete with contemporary distractions by updating their ancient acts to include modern technologies.

The most obvious improvement I could think of at the time was the bed of nailguns.

A holy man would lie down on an ordinary sheet of plywood which, in turn, would be secured above a great many nailguns with their muzzles pointed up. On his signal, a disciple would press a button, and all of the nailguns would fire simultaneously.

Having been conditioned by a lifetime of these sorts of stunts, and practicing a bit of mind-over-matter mumbo-jumbo, the holy man would be suddenly lifted off the board as thousands of nails pushed his flesh in perfect synchrony.

It is likely that most swamis would begin performing this new feat with relatively dull concrete masonry nails. As their physical and mental conditioning improves, though, they may transcend the concrete nails and find they can accomplish this feat with 16-penny nails. The holiest of holy men may ultimately be able to do this with finishing nails.

As with any stunt worthy of awe, mistakes will occasionally be made. But cleanup of tragic accidents would be simple and efficient. As few as two disciples could just pick up the plywood board, turn it over, place it on top of a pine box and add a few more nails to keep it shut. Cover with dirt, and you're done.

And on the bright side, if the deceased was a particularly well-known holy man, jewelry depicting a rectangular board could be made and marketed to his followers.

If, by some miracle, this is eventually done with finishing nails, yet the public is unimpressed, I suggest that the entire bed of nails idea be scrapped, and replaced with a bed of power drills.