Beastie Island

I hate being stung by wasps, pestered by ants, frightened by spiders, nudged by bees etc but as a vegan and advocate of animal rights I experience a real moral dilemma when poised over an ant's nest with a kettle of boiling water in my trembling hands. Sure I can catch spiders and wasps in a glass-and-postcard trap but the problem is I can only run so far before I release them and this can only provide a temporary solution. In particular our house seems to be revisited frequently by what I can only describe as a gigantic homing-spider who is immune to my enforced relocation technique. Given that my neighbours are (human) animals too it seems morally inconsistent to spare the wasp only to inflict its stingy ways on them after I throw it over the fence into their garden.

I suggest the solution to this problem lies in the combination of an island somewhere far off the coast and a removal service available for free at point-of-capture.

Having confined the beastie in question in some sort of temporary but non-threatening trap - of which there are many available - I simply dial the 'beastie hotline' and wait. After a short delay in which my conscience remains gloriously untroubled, a brightly-painted van arrives and a friendly and courteous 'beastie helper' transfers the creature into one of the van's luxury compartments for safe removal. Eventually the beastie arrives on 'Beastie Island' - which I picture as a wonderful place with no humans, just swarms of happy insects. Of course the government might have to resort to a compulsory purchase order in order to procure said island, but then who (in the UK) would really miss the Isle-of-Wight or one of the Channel Islands (which have the additional advantage of being nearer to the French)?

Beastie Island would be sealed from the outside world using a variety of barriers appropriate to its inhabitants so as to prevent escape. Genetically Modified foodstuffs would ensure that each species received a plentiful dose of some chemical or other which would inhibit its breeding but not harm it (a bit like garlic for humans). In this way the beasties could live out their lives doing those things they like best (killing and eating each other) without bothering us (well, me).

Of course we would need to re-stock the human habitats with robot pseudo-beasties such as non-stingy bee-bots in order to facilitate pollination for plants that require it but I'm confident the required leap forward in miniaturisation and AI is just around the corner (hand me my nano-spanner please).

There are a number of other uses to which the Island could be put in order to provide a revenue stream to ensure it would be self-financing. For example:

A prison/punishment block could be collocated on the island so that the very worst offenders would be likely to receive a substantial number of 'punishment stings' to go with their sentence of confinement. Now that's what I call a deterrent.

All participants in 'Jackass' could be invited to live there forever in order to fullfil their most macho requirements for self-harm (to the max man).

Big Brother contestants could be sent there following eviction. No real reason I'm just warming to the idea - and now that I can't squash bugs I need an outlet for my aggression.

Initial investment would have to come from the state, but surely a mandatory stint as a 'beastie helper' for all unemployed jobseekers - with the accompanying reduction in unemployment statistics - would provide all the incentive required?

For those nay-sayers who complain that we should have learnt by now not to interfere with the delicate balance of nature's marvellous bio-harmony I say that this idea actually reinforces their position. Surely by our repeated use of insecticides we only provide the ideal environment for the evolution of beastie-strains ever more resistant to our attempts to kill them - and hence initiate the spiral of worse and worse chemicals used to combat each new generation of 'super-bee'? By removing the creatures instead of trying to poison them we at least preserve them so that if the whole scheme proves to be a failure we can just release them back into the community (via a half-way house of course - maybe Scotland?)