h a l f b a k e r yLeft for Bread
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Bears, judging by the recent fomectation of posts, are
becoming an increasing problem.
A number of ingenious (from the word "genius" meaning
"genius" and the prefix "in" meaning "not") bear-proof
devices have been postulated, but none seems well-
suited
to the light-travelling carefree camper.
Cumbersome
anti-bear device woes begone!
MaxCo. is slightly proud to present the BearBeGone Anti-
Bear Sleeve. Consisting of a comfortable over-sleeve
richly
padded with sachets of cyanoacrylate adhesive, it can be
worn on the longest of hikes by camp people
everywhere.
For its effectiveness, it relies on the fact that whilst a
grizzly bear has muscles which can close its jaw with a
force of over four hundred kilos, the muscles which open
its jaw can apply a mere 1.5kg of force.
All that is necessary to ensure your utter safety is to
make
certain that (a) the bear bites the arm wearing the
BearBeGone Anti-Bear Sleeve first and (b) said arm
belongs
to one of your fellow campers.
[link]
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OK, what damned fool bunned this? |
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This device has the added bonus that the
wearer has one arm and hand free to take a
selfie of themselves having their other arm
ripped from its socket by an angry bear. |
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We feel it is only fair to point out that, as
well as great big sharp pointy teeth, bears
are also generously provided with huge sharp
scratchy slashy claws attached to the ends of
their limbs, and therefore simply gluing their
jaws shut is not going to render said bear
harmless, either to the camper whos arm it's
just torn off, or to anyone else in the vicinity. |
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//or to anyone else in the vicinity.// |
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I'm not so sure. Gluing a colleague into the mouth
of a bear will at least slow it down or create a
significant paws. |
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Why not just throw a "treat" at the bear, which it
catches in its mouth, and which then glues shut its
mouth? |
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Er, that is the actuall idea here, [Vern].
Please, do try to keep up … |
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It helps if you have sufficient psychopathic
traits to allow you to view your fellow hikers
as nothing more than self-propelled bear
treats and/or expendable decoys. This should
not be a
problem for the vast majority of HB
contributors. |
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\\Why not just throw a "treat" at the bear, which it
catches in its mouth\\ |
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That's just the sort of low cunning that I'd expect
from a sombrerophile. |
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// Gluing a colleague into the mouth of a bear will
at least slow it down or create a significant paws. |
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The idea was too derivative, but that comment
caused the buns to appear. |
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If the arm was a superfluous prosthetic, and fired the kinds of metal bolts they used to have in the Monty Python chocolate surprise, the bear would engage its paws in disengaging the bolts ... Shirley? |
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This way the arm-and-sleeve could be worn by someone one doesn't particularly and as such dislike, like a spouse or child. |
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For saving the lives of thousands of little children taken hiking in bear country mainly just because they can't run very fast, [+] |
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//The idea was too derivative// it's derivativeness
was integral. |
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And if you're not wearing one of these, then you're bear-naked. |
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Unless the glue's binding force is higher per-beartooth than the tooth's anchoring strength the bear can simply use its limbs to remove the obstruction. |
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Would a variation work with cougars ? |
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I think cougars only bite if you ask them to. |
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Our lawyers are working on it. |
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//This should not be a problem for the vast majority of HB contributors.// |
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{borrows a pair of glasses, so as to add proper owlishness to the disapproving look directed at [8th]} |
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