Bananaboni

People slipping on banana skins is a staple of English and American humour, and is the only government-approved joke in post-reunification Germany.

Sadly, however, genuine banana skin accidents are quite rare these days. This is partly because people are more litter- conscious, partly because we eat less fruit, and partly because lawsuit-conscious councils keep the streets cleaner.

Proposed hereby, therefore, is a Banana Rink.

The Banana Rink is an ice-rink-sized arena, whose floor consists of a finely perforated steel sheet. Powerful fans pull a vacuum through the perforations.

Instead of the ice-rink's Zamboni, the Banana Rink employs a Bananaboni. This wondrous machine carries a large hopper full of fresh banana skins, reclaimed from the large industrial banana-peeling factories found in most major cities.

The skins fall from the hopper into the machinery, where a blade stamps out long, narrow diamond shapes from each piece of skin. The surplus material is incinerated on board the machine, providing power.

The cut skins are then fed to a conveyer mechanism, which is carefully synched with the machine's forward movement. Each diamond-shaped piece is dropped onto the vacuum floor at exactly the right position, and buttered-side-up, creating a perfectly-tiled, seamless banana-skin mosaic.

Conventional ice skates are not permitted on the Banana Rink: not only do they provide too much side-to-side grip, but they will also bruise and damage the skins. Instead, Banana Skates have smooth steel blades, up-curved at the edges and about an inch wide, to attain optimal griplessness.