h a l f b a k e r yGetting blown into traffic is never fun.
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I was in one of several cars stopped at a traffic light the
other day when the first driver didn't notice that the light
had changed to green. The second driver gave the first
driver an entire 0.5 seconds before sounding the horn.
While I was impressed with the diligence with which Driver 2
must have been monitoring things, I figured it must be a strain
on
his
attention span to have to watch the lights and every car
ahead of him at the same time. Therefore, I've decided to
automate the process.
My Automated Road Rage Sense'n'Sound Equipped
(A.R.R.S.S.E.) vehicle system consists of a dash-mounted
sensor which simultaneously monitors the colour of the
traffic light and movement of the car(s) in front. If the light
turns green and the traffic ahead doesn't start moving, the
A.R.R.S.S.E. vehicle's horn is automatically sounded. The
time delay can be set over a wide range of between 1 and 35
milliseconds - depending upon the operator's mood.
In order to warn other motorists not to dawdle, the kit will
come with several bumper stickers (including one in mirrored
writing for the front of the equipped car) advising them that
this vehicle has an A.R.R.S.S.E. on board. External
loudspeakers with pre-recorded 'motivational phrases' to
hurry things along are an optional extra - perhaps done with
Celebrity Voices.
C'mon halfbakers, surely my A.R.R.S.S.E. has 2 buns?
[link]
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Not sure about an ARRSSE but perhaps a Delay Invoked Chivvying Klaxxon? |
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Yes [DrBob]. That acronym (though I confess not that
particularly mellifluous phrase) did spring to mind when I
observed how
quickly Driver 2 leant on his horn. |
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Lately I've noticed a tendency towards preemptive honking. They don't even wait for the light to change - is this the start of a new cold war? |
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Traffic Warning Amplification/Transmission System.
And it's not road-rage unless they get out of the car. |
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I used to be such a nice driver before I moved to London - but the rules of the road here are what might emerge if some kind of bored Darwinnian scientist were leaning on the fast-forward button of his Survivotron. Either defend your lane with steely, venomous determination, or accept frequent defeat as other road users swerve aggressively in-front of you - Give no quarter, for none will be given you, be they cyclist, mopedist, car, van, lorry or bus - they will all conspire to box, restrict, bully or otherwise persue you into a corner, in order to get one in front. |
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//it's not road-rage unless they get out of the car.// |
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I describe my invention as a road rage facilitator.
Believe me, once these babies hit the market, road
rage will ensue. |
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// defend your lane with steely, venomous determination, or accept frequent defeat // |
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Contrary to the Urban Legend that George Lucas based the "trench" scene at the end of ANH on "The Dam Busters", it is in fact a Freudian reference to his experience of driving a Mini with dodgy headlights round the North Circular, through the Hangar Lane Gyratory and on to the B452, at 1730 on the last Friday before Christmas, in a sleet-storm. |
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He also (despite the therapy and medication) refers to it each night, about 0300, just as the mumbling starts to change into sobs and then terror-stricken screaming. |
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// they will all conspire // |
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In recent years, even mobility-scooter riders and those in electric wheelchairs have joined in the ... errr ... "fun" ? |
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// between 1 and 35 milliseconds // ... 5 millisecond and above presumably representing "sleep" mode. |
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//presumably representing "sleep" mode// |
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I was going to label it "The 'Passive' Aggressive" mode. |
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