h a l f b a k e r y"Bun is such a sad word, is it not?" -- Watt, "Waiting for Godot"
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People have taught chimps to do many things, including using sign language.
However, none of these things really seem to take root in chimpanzee society,
presumably because they don't benefit the chimps. For instance, several sign-
language-using chimps have had plenty of contact with other chimps,
but the signing
soon fizzles out. Chimps, it seems, can get by just fine without it.
Guns, however, are a different matter. I am fairly certain that a chimp could be
taught to use a handgun (though I wouldn't want to be around for the steeper parts of
the learning curve), and could be taught that prey can be shot.
The question, then, is whether mastery of a handgun would be of benefit to wild (or
wildish) chimps. Chimpanzees do hunt, and they also fight with other chimps. So, a
chimp that knew how to use a gun would conceivably have an advantage.
So, the experiment is to train a chimp or two to use a handgun (and also to load it -
I'm sure they'd pick that up quite quickly), and then see if the gun culture propagates
in the wild. Obviously, it would be necessary to provide a ready supply of ammunition
(which would offer a means of halting the experiment if it went well).
Interspecies Internet
http://blog.ted.com...nt-cerf-at-ted2013/
Another approach [JesusHChrist, Jun 16 2015]
...or maybe an AK 47
https://www.youtube...watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jun 17 2015]
planet of apes - chimpanzee machete soldiers
https://www.youtube...?t=24&v=d-0vbvy2ip4
[pashute, Jun 17 2015]
Fox - planet of the apes - chimpanzee playing shooter game
https://www.youtube...watch?v=ya7IhijXYUQ
[pashute, Jun 17 2015]
Gorilla fighters
https://www.youtube...watch?v=ZItE4FQU784
[pashute, Jun 17 2015]
[link]
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//(which would offer a means of halting the experiment if it
went well)// |
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Until they run into the experimental group that was trained
to make gunpowder, and the one that was trained to do
metal casting. |
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That sounds like a very bad idea and an extremely
cruel experiment. But I would be immensely
interested to see what happens. Maybe someone
should create reality show so they can bypass
experimental ethics rules. |
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// I am fairly certain that a chimp could be taught to use a handgun // |
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There's a substantial body of anecdotal evidence* suggesting that,
occasionally, RAF Regiment recruits have been successfully trained to
walk upright and use edged tools without a significant degree of self
harm**, so it's likely that chimpanzees can be trained up to Staff
Officer
level. |
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// whether mastery of a handgun would be of benefit to wild (or
wildish) chimps. // |
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In some less salubrious drinking establishments, undoubtedly. |
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// which would offer a means of halting the experiment if it went well
// |
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If it went really, really well, then the experiment would be intrinsically
self-limiting. |
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We suggest that the Enfield .38 revolver would be the ideal weapon to
issue; simple and easy to load, requiring minimal maintenance, and a
fairly light trigger pull and mild recoil while still providing an
acceptable level of lethality, particularly when loaded with soft-nosed
ammunition. |
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Please let us know when you intend to start the experiment- we will
furnish the weapons and ammunition free of charge in return for first
option on the off-world video rights. |
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// That sounds like a very bad idea and an extremely cruel
experiment. // |
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That sounds like a very good idea and an extremely cruel experiment. |
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// But I would be immensely interested to see what happens. // |
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Nowhere near as much as we are. |
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// Maybe someone should create reality show so they can bypass
experimental ethics rules. // |
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"... and later we catch up with the latest from the Primate Rollerball
league division 1. But now, let's go over to ChimpShot Live and see
how the latest territorial dispute is progresing ..." |
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*Note that mere accumulation of observational evidence does not
constitute proof. |
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**Not simultaneously, though. |
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//Note that mere accumulation of observational
evidence does not constitute proof.// |
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That is, almost, word for word what Sturton (or
perhaps it was the Intercalary - they are identical
twins and you can only tell them apart by the age
difference) said. The context, as I recall, was that
he was repeatedly hitting the Intercalary (or perhaps
it was Sturton) with a particularly thorny piece of
Rattan. The Intercalary (or... etc) complained that
Sturton was hurting him. Sturton responded, first,
that correlation was no proof of causation, and then
that observational evidence was no proof of anything
anyway. |
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Admittedly, the Intercalary (or vice versa) had
recently caught Sturton with the old thermite-in-the-
cigar trick, but even so the retaliation was a little
harsh. |
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If you shaved off all of their hair, don't you just get the US Marine Corps? |
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Personally I blame all the polytechnics that have
rebranded themselves as universities. |
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I am on board with this, partially because no chimps are native to my area. |
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// no chimps are native to my area// yet. |
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I think they may have an easier time using a slingshot. Think
of how much further they could hurl their own feces! |
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Its already tried. Its called ISIS. |
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[Ian] A colleague here just announced he was off to the shop to get some Monkey Nuts - I have to say, both Arm Chimpanzees and Leg Bonobos sound better ideas to that. |
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I don't know why there are so many firearm-related ideas
recently, but I like it. |
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// Still, I suppose it’s a better idea than leg bonobos. // |
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Well, it's preferable to having a monkey on your back ... |
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Foot soldiers can be useful, mind. |
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Orang-Utans ? One pistol in each hand and an assault rifle in their feet ? |
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The handguns would have to be redesigned if you want accuracy. Branch detailing on the handle. |
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[MaxwellBuchanan] has clearly just made a corner in bush meat, of which this idea will sharply raise the price. |
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I say no. Chimps have no real sense of pity or conscience.
They would murder who ever they pleased and then go off
to lunch without so much as a care about it. No. In fact, it is
a bad idea entirely to give chimps loaded weapons of any
sort. Even well trained, I think they would end up scratching
their behinds with the muzzle while their finger was on the
trigger. No end of potentially embarrassing accidents would
ensue...poor chimps. |
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// Chimps have no real sense of pity or conscience. They would
murder who ever they pleased and then go off to lunch without
so much as a care about it. // |
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" And with that, Your Honour, we contend that Mr. Darwin's
thesis is proven beyond reasonable doubt ... " |
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Can a chimp have a straight forearm ? |
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No wonder the sign language fizzled out. As I understand,
the Chimp wanted a decent shave, and all he got was a gun
when he demanded the "Right to bare arms". |
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But using the same principle, give enough chimps enough
guns, and sooner or later one of them is actually going to
shoot a rich presidential candidate. |
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Admittedly, with that 3D tree processing brain, the chimps are going to be a lot better at the trick shots. |
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// one of them is actually going to shoot a rich presidential
candidate // |
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As opposed to one of them just being a rich presidential
candidate ... ? |
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What [Altodian] said. I lived in Connecticut when that poor
woman lost her face to her "trained" chimp. It was God
awfuk. |
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