h a l f b a k e r yCall Ambulance,
Rebuild Kitchen.
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This is a doorbell with a video projector and speaker. When someone presses the doorbell, Satanic images and videos (the devil, witches, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen..) are projected onto the front of the door, and loud Satanic music (Ozzy, Iron Maiden, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen..) is played through the
speaker. If it happens to be a religious fruitcake come to convert you, he/she will be frightened away.
(?) Catholic Exorcism Ritual
http://members.aol....tholicexorcism.html
[Laughs Last, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
[link]
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you don't like religious fruitcake? first time I've known you refuse food. |
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And as an added bonus Catholics might come over and try an old fashioned exorcism. I love a good exorcism. |
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Of course, they might just see this as a challenge... |
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Satanic Santa, crucified Chris Cringle, and the severed head of St. Nicholas could ward off carrolers at christmas time ... I hate carrolers more than I hate mimes |
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- Remove the plastic cover from the doorbell button
- Remove the transformer from the fuse box and reconnect the wires |
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There will be a pile of bodies on your doorstep, but hey, if they had to ring the bell you probably didn’t want to talk to them anyway. |
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Any religious extremism will attract all the other religious
extremists who will try to 'help' you. You just need to go
into a tirade from an opposite religious viewpoint. The
other day my neighbor, a harmless but crazy born-again
freak, preached in a loud-from-the-gut-preacher-voice to
the door to door Mormons in Suits from the top of his
porch for about an hour and a half. It was great. They
were all sweating in the heat, and Mike (my neighbor)
wouldn't let them leave, he just as determined to save
the Mormons as they were to save him. I had plenty of
time to make a makeshift NO SOLICITORS sign, which works
fine, except for the illiterate drunks asking for money. |
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Why do you want to scare off solicitors? My dog loves them and I don't have to feed him for days after he had a couple. |
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Or, even more demonic, a trap in the eaves could open
and shower the fruitcake with Longaberger basket
pamphlets. A recording would ask them to play a game
using the first letter of their first name to describe their
favorite thing to place in a basket. (could I possibly make
this up? NO) Then a 15 minute pitch encouraging the
intruder to host his own special basket party and entreat
friends and colleagues to endure an evening of sheer
hell. |
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Substitute Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Party Lite, and such
at will. |
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Also, I'm going to go ahead and suggest that Oxen Crossing
relocate. The born-again freak and well dressed Mormons
sound pretty entertaining. But if you've got roving bands
of illiterate drunks knockin on your door asking for money,
it's time for a new address. |
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Needs a Ouija Board Welcome Mat, which I'm going to manufacture right now... |
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Well I only assume they are illiterate, as they seem to be
ignoring the sign. They too are entertaining. "We're in
your neighborhood today drawing numbers, and your
number came up, so you have the opportunity to--"
"Um, you used the same line last week, and I showed
you the sign here, remember," I say, reeling from the
boozy fumes wafting from the guy.
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, well could you see your way-."
"Sorry, don't ever ring this bell again. See the sign?
That means don't ring this bell. Good-bye." |
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He hasn't been back for a while. We are going to move
though, next year, but because of the schools, not so
much the neighborhood. |
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Once word gets around, wouldn't it make your front porch kind of a magnet for the local bad guys and other folks from The Dark Side who would be dropping by for inspiration, not to mention all the curious neighborhood youngsters who would then make your life miserable ringing the bell and running away?
>Go ahead I dare you, ring the bell and the devil will pop up...< |
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//We are going to move though, next year, but because of the schools// |
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//the curious neighborhood youngsters who would then make your life miserable ringing the bell and running away// |
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Littledog, looks like you were right! |
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I have found that answering the door naked scares off most of the solicitors. Although the Mormons wouldn't go away until I insisted they join me in watching reruns of Barney. |
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The olsen twins are a fabulous example of acting prowess! |
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"[Deadlock'd] dies by choking on a bit of sarcasm lodged in his throat." |
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My current way of getting rid of bible bashers is to claim that I am the Devil. Tell them if they knock on your door again you will see to it that they rot in hell. It works for me. |
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Or invite them into your house and tell them that religion only exists to make money. |
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I got the perfect way to get rid of them, put a large sign stating that you GIVE BLOOD, they'll never come again. |
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[Letsbuildafort] To get rid of mimes, a white-gloved hand-shaped knocker would project from the wall and perform a silent knocking motion inches away from the door. |
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Answering the door in the nude works just as well with religious fruitcakes, though you may get a different result with delivery and service people. |
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Baked, I think that Ozzy Osborne already has this kind of yearlong halloween theme going on at his house. |
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