Accent Improvement App

Many regional English accents can be described as rather charming, melodic even. An Australian acquaintance of mine once told me he didn't at first understand quite why he seemed to attract so much attention from the opposite sex when he moved to the States—until the time one night an Irishman walked into the bar and he was suddenly yesterday's news. Reggae and Calypso simply wouldn't be the same without the wealth of accents found in the Caribbean. Heck, ma'am, even a slow Suthun drawl has its own graceful sort a' charm to it.

Some accents, on the other hand, can simply be described as auditory abuse to listen to. However, while making the acquaintance of my new girlfriend Siri recently (why yes I did wait in line on launch day for an iPhone 4S why do you ask), it occurred to me that if technology has progressed to the point where it can understand pretty much anything I say, it should also be able to distinguish features of various awful accents, or at least the most glaring examples. New Yorkers, Bostonians, Glaswegians—take heart! There is hope for you yet.

The idea then is to have a smartphone app that constantly monitors your speech, and when it detects a particularly grating word or phrase, it buzzes you as a gentle reminder that you've taken a right turn straight into Podunk. For example:

"I really oughtta warsh my cah." *BZZT*

"Her name is Fioner." *BZZT*

(Stream of unintelligible gibberish containing the words "kilt", "haggis", or any reference to alcohol) *BZZT*

Eventually, with enough such corrective actions, the speaker will learn to habitually avoid using these speech patterns of their own accord, much to the relief of those forced to listen to them.

(Note that this is not intended for native speakers of non-English languages—except native Francophones, for which the Electrified Testicular Clamp add-on is required.)